In an effort to remind students of their insignificance in the larger scheme of intergalactic existence, Principal and Vice-Baroness Suzie Forte announced today that McGall would create a new major in Occult Sciences. The University will add this major as an option for all undergraduate students beginning fall 2014.

According to Warren Rice, a former professor of classical languages at Arkham’s Miskatonic University and the head of McGall’s new Occult Sciences department, the program will focus on preparing students to “cope with the inconsequentiality of humanity.”

“We live in a vast and incomprehensible universe,” said Rice. “How can we expect students to cope with the knowledge their lives are devoid of any meaning and that they are mere amoebas compared to the magnificent horror of the Outer Gods?”

Students enrolled in the program are expected to learn R’lyehian, the language of Cthulhu, in order to “please the Great Old Ones.”

“We start with the most common phrases, namely ‘Ph’nglui mglw’nafh C’thulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn’ and then go to the more complicated aspects of the language, like saying ‘Hi’ or ‘Thank you,’” Rice said. “Unfortunately, R’lyehian has a lot of words for ‘slumber,’ ‘horror’ or ‘I am losing my mind,’ but nothing that’s really useful for a normal conversation.” Rice remarked that the language component of the major would be “comparable” to learning Ancient Greek, in that it would serve no purpose other than translating “ancient and/or heretofore unknowable verses,” and “boring your friends at parties.”

Rice will be hosting a luncheon on Wednesday where he will be reading selected passages from the Necronomicon, and facilitating a networking event for new department members. A lamb will be slaughtered for the event.

—Benadryl Custardbatch 

Minor in Serious Heterosexual Men swiftly approved

McGall’s Department of Anglophilia announced, through an email sent to all undergraduate students in the Faculty of Farts, that a new minor has been green-lit. The Serious Heterosexual Men minor will be available for selection simultaneously with the major in Occult Sciences, in fall 2014.

McGall has come under fire recently for its lack of coverage of serious heterosexual male writers, in comparison to a main competitor, the University of T-Dot (U of T). The U of T made headlines last week as one lecturer, Dirk Glibbymore, was showered with accolades for his intensely serious, heterosexual coverage of only the most serious and most heterosexual writers.

An interview with Glibbymore, published in The Blob and Snail, went viral online and was met with widespread praise due to his sharp wit and uncompromising diligence in presenting students with only the best literature, written solely by “real guy-guys.” He explained that he was only capable of lecturing on “people that [he] truly, truly love[d]. Unfortunately, none of those happen to be Chinese, or women.”

Glibbymore’s overnight stardom online led to several follow-up interviews, in which he elaborated on his stances. “People know what they’re signing up for. Serious heterosexual men, taught by a serious heterosexual man. That’s all.” Glibbymore was, however, quick to note that he “very open-mindedly” teaches the works of Truman Capote, notable for being serious, but not terribly heterosexual. At the time of printing, there is no word yet as to whether Capote was Chinese, or a woman.

McGall has been accused by professors in the U of T’s Department of Words of simply attempting to “cover its ass” in light of the attention drawn to Glibbymore’s enlightened syllabi. In response to these comments, the Department of Anglophilia officially maintained that the minor was long in the works, and was simply delayed in the approval process until now.

McGall’s Dean of Farts, Christopa P. Manfreddo, spoke briefly with The Weekly over the phone. “McGall’s been in the game of serious heterosexual men longer than you even know,” he said. “T-Dot thinks they can teach real guy-guys better than us? Our guy-guys are top fucking notch. I say bring it on.”

—E.k. EK

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“I was really looking forward to cutting more arts classes,” Forte explained. “But we sorta reached the limit. We also toyed with the idea of expanding class sizes by holding them in the Perky-Milson stadium. But in the end, we decided that we had no choice but to lay waste to those phonies in Massachusetts and Ontario.”

Forte pointed out that McGall had been conducting “totally unethical” research for years, and that they “probably” had something in their “arsenal” to drop on the University of T-Dot (U of T), Hawward University, or Massachusetts Institute of Tummy Tootin’ (MITT). “At McGall, we’re fortunate enough to have years of expertise in inducing human suffering. I mean, did you know that we used to develop fuel air explosives? And all of that research we did into psychological warfare for the CIA? Why isn’t that tallied in the rankings? That has to count for something,” she complained to the conference.

“By the time they work out what went wrong, we’ll be sitting on a beach, earning 20 per cent,” Forte added, paraphrasing evil mastermind Hans Gruber from the Die Hard franchise.

Still, Forte made it clear that there were other ways for the QS or Times Higher Education to improve their system.

“Also, I’m pretty sure that some parts of X-Men were filmed in the Arts Building in August,” she said. “I think the world of higher education is ready for a Hugh Jackman index. God, that man is work of art. He’s talented too. Were you watching the Oscars in 2009? I was.”

Meanwhile, the Board of Covetors, McGall’s highest and naughtiest governing body, released a statement which said that they had briefly considered building bike gates all over the U of T campus in order to “show them who’s the boss.”

“Frankly, we’re sick of how U of T has been getting all of the attention lately,” wrote Philmore Dietrichson, a member of the board. “It won’t affect their ranking very much, but the goal here is really to change how others perceive U of T, because that’s mostly what those rankings are about. It’s not like their methodology made sense anyway.”

In an interview with The Weekly, Samuel S. Pennington, the dick behind all university rankings ever, admitted that the methodology used to establish the rankings had been “mostly” made up on the spot.

“Generally speaking, our ranking is based off the number of old-timey looking buildings per university,” he said. “We also look at whether or not said old-timey looking buildings have any sort of vegetation growing on them. We look for vines mostly.”

Unfortunately for McGall, Pennington said he did not believe that the destruction of U of T would result in any significant change to the ranking.

“We just learned a few days ago that a portal to hell had just opened, right in the middle of campus,” he explained. “That’s probably going to cost them in the rankings – I’ll have to check if we factor those in.”

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