As my first order of business, I have signed an executive order which authorizes McGall Security and its proxy paramilitary force to use “all necessary and appropriate force” against anyone suspected or unsuspected of utilizing a human-powered, pedal-driven, single-track vehicle on our fine campus.

Since biking increases your heart and respiration rate, cyclists actually exhale more CO2 emissions than pedestrians and motorists combined. Like all public institutions, McGall must do its part to fight global warming by reducing the amount of CO2 on campus. With this new eco-conscious measure, our university will become the first bike-free institution of higher learning by the year 2015, and finally, joy-free by the year 2035.

At McGall, we believe education should be a long, gruelling process of disillusionment that leaves you with a sense of profound existential dread – preferably, somewhere between the right and left ventricle of your heart.

If you have any suggestions, feel free to write them down on a piece of paper and set it on fire.

—Suzie “McLavish” Forte
Principal and Vice-Baroness of McGall University

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Twice-a-Weekly editorial? Nope. Student Trotskyite? No way.

It’s a statement straight out of the mouth of the new Dean. 

The Twice-a-Weekly learned last week that the administration hired a French Situationist and cognitive dissonance aficionado as the new Dean of Discipline and Irony to amuse/distract/subdue actual radicals. The choice is not so surprising, considering it contradicts everything ever and is hilarious. “What I’m doing is in fact, détournement.” The Dean told The-Twice-a-Weekly. “I’m just turning expressions of the capitalist system against itself. Also, I’m pretty sure my salary like doubled. Literally. Check out those sweet digits.”

The Dean said he hoped to “smash” the system and “hang” the bourgeoisies from within by banning or expelling ruffians and students from campus. “I like to frame the issue in terms of rights,” he said. “Not your rights, but the right of others – i.e.: me to send campus security after you.”

“Just because I don’t believe in hierarchy doesn’t mean I can’t take part in it and reinforce it,” he added. “You know how everybody pretends to like looking at baby pictures when they actually don’t? Well, it’s just like that, except destructive.”

“Also, life is a spectacle, et cetera,” he added.

Upon learning of the Dean’s appointment, anarcha-feminist militant and legit radical Judith Sedgwick told the Twice-a-Weekly, “Get the fuck out. Is this a joke?”

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“Unfortunately, we’ve decided that teaching students some white straight male’s version of what constitutes ‘gay history and culture’ was not sufficient,” Butler told The Twice-a-Weekly. “So I was like, ‘hey, why not spend our time doing more productive things like, I don’t know, dismantling the naturalization of heterosexuality and resisting the violence that is continuously perpetuated through ideal gender norms? Simple stuff, really.”

Acclaimed American fuckface and author of Patriarchy? In my oppressive society? Bruce B’awww-er called the move a “an overall bad move” and said that although oppression was a “real thing, probably,” students and academics should just stop making a “big fucking deal about it.”

“These people are saying that my penis doesn’t naturally determine how I think,” he said. “I disagree, as a case in point: I am kind of a dick.”

In a groundbreaking article in the Ottawa Plebeian, B’awww-er demonstrated a link between Queer Theory, Women’s Studies, Black Studies, and the philosophy of Karl Marx.

“It all goes back to Karl,” he said. “I sketched it out and it all made sense.”

B’awwer added that students would be better served by studying “objective facts” about “history.”

“I’m sure everyone can agree on what ‘history’ is,” he said. “And by ‘everyone,’ I really mean rich white males.”

Meanwhile, Butler said that since Queer Theory was now “legit,” everyone could just stop performing their gender roles.

“It’s over people; we can just stop performing our gender roles and go home,” she announced to the relief of everyone. “Also, could we try performing things that aren’t so fucking destructive next time? Because this sort of role-playing stinks.”

 Laurent Berlant is the Georgia Marie Pullman Professor of English at the University of Anti-Oppression.

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