Aries 

Knight of Wands

Love that you’re finally getting your license, just know that Mercury’s in retrograde so you might get banned from all the driving centres in Ontario!

Gemini

Ace of Swords

Instead of jerking off to erotic fanfiction maybe you should try going to bed at a reasonable hour

Taurus 

Six of Cups

Get your roommate flowers! I’m sure they’d appreciate it :)

Cancer

King of Cups

For Halloween, dress as the main character of tonally inconsistent fable about a disaffected crone discovering the joys of root vegetables and warm milk

Leo

Five of Wands

Oh… this is just a mess

Libra

The Lovers

Stop looking for a ““boyfriend”” and start looking for a feywild tree spirit to help you find mushrooms on your urban foraging adventures<3

Virgo

Six of Swords

Pilot a gondola down the St. Lawrence and celebrate National Calzone Day in style! Strega Nona would be proud :’)

Scorpio 

Three of Pentacles

One of these days your prof is gonna ask you why you’re wearing a Teletubbies onesie. Tinky Winky? Really?

Sagittarius 

King of Wands

If you’re going to wear your blanket like a cape, might as well find a nice walking stick and go for a stroll! Majestic :)

Aquarius 

Page of Wands

Ah, I see — or should I say smell ;) –you’re one of those essential oil bitches! Mmmm ylang ylang

Capricorn

Death

Light all the incense you want, but you really need to clean your freezer….

Pisces

Four of Pentacles

I know you said a leprechaun gave them to you, but I think you just had one too many shrooms last night. Babes, it’s chocolate, not “pure gold from ‘neath the kelly green hills”

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