The temporary support structure includes plywood and metal pipe scaffolding, as well as a collection of plastic weatherproof tarps imprinted to seamlessly mimic the majestic stone face of the historic building. The support structure was originally intended merely to shield the Arts building physically and cosmetically during repairs. However, it has become an enduring symbol, more familiar to McGall students than the underlying edifice itself.

“I love that place,” said Jen Eric, a U1 Experimental Philosophy and Undeclared double major. “I think my morning class is in that building, but I’m not sure, because I haven’t gone yet. Someone told me that there’s another building behind it, but no way, right?”

Other students outright prefer the structure to the Arts building. “Most of the windows on campus just reflect the cold, depressing landscape outside,” said U2 Comedy student me, the writer of this column, “but the windows on the Renovation Project Tarp always reflect spring. I think it’s an artistic commentary on how we look at the passage of time, or something.”

“The tarp and scaffolding are significantly older than the building they’re attached to, and may even predate the city itself.”

The landmark status has been conferred despite the true age of the structure remaining unknown, its construction predating even the earliest of historical records. “We’re not quite sure how, but city records and the university’s own architectural archives indicate that the tarp and scaffolding are significantly older than the building they’re attached to, and may even predate the city itself,” said Derrick Garrison, a professor in the Department of Crumbling Infrastructure Planning.

Indeed, the oldest woodcuts from Mount Royal and the surrounding countryside, which are housed in the special collections of the Sadpath Library, have been deciphered as reading “main entryway closed – please use temporary entrance through the D’aw Son building (to be constructed in 400 years).”

To McGall preservationists and architecture buffs, what is an inconvenience to others is really a victory. “McGall has a ton of great old buildings, but almost none of them have the legal recognition they deserve,” said Archie Trave, a PhD student at the School of Building-building who is currently working on a revolutionary gas station design. “The Arts building scaffolding is by far the best example, and I’m glad it will now stand proudly for the foreseeable future.”

According to Trave, this victory is especially redeeming as it comes after a long streak of failures to obtain landmark status for other structures, McGall having had a falling-out with LUMPS a few years ago. “For a really long time, we couldn’t get anything preserved. Heck, we accidentally demolished a lot of buildings,” they said. “The problem really started when we applied to have the Peacock building registered as a protected historic building; the application was denied because the review board could not determine whether or not it was a building at all.”

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Meanwhile, a few cutbacks will have to be instituted to preserve our reputation and maintain what’s truly important here: the football team. They’ve already run through the budget earmarked for the next quarter’s supply of steroids and caviar.

Obviously, Arts will just have to go. All of it. We’ll scrap the scripts and scalp the sculptors, pawn the poets Byron-get-one-free. Science will have to take one for the team, too: the swimming team, who will be flooding what is now lab space to practice for regionals, our swimming pool having been foreclosed upon.

Worry not: we will press on, one way or another. Our Alma Mater is not going to roll over and die like Rutherford Burnside, local poutine tycoon and anti-education lobbyist, who just so happened to will us his fortune after his mysterious demise earlier this morning. No, we shall continue as best we can: still will we disassociate ourselves from the surrounding townie rabble, still will we secretly develop superweapons to bring about Armageddon, still will we spend months locked in committee arguing about how properly to break up arguments under Roddick’s Rules of Order. We are still the same old college, so let’s give our new, bankrupt existence the old college try.

Naturally, some minor changes must be made. Mrs. Michaud, the college widow, will start charging. A toll will be collected at all university gates, and also at the doors to most classrooms. Students graduating will be expected to tip the dean when you shake hands onstage.

A new grading system has been implemented, under which, according to this handy chart that we can’t publish (printing charts is expensive), you may receive additional consideration in matters of merit in exchange for entirely uncompensated donations to the university. Professors’ salaries are to be cut from two cents an hour to one cent plus whatever crumbs they may scrounge from the faculty lounge, and adjuncts’ salaries are to be cut from nothing to paying the university for the privilege of working here. A $1 application fee will be attached to all handed-in assignments, with an included 20 per cent gratuity for not ‘accidentally’ losing it.

Lastly, all students will be put to work in the salt mines below campus in twenty-hour shifts eased with two thirty-second breaks for ditch-water and hardtack. Flashlights and digging implements will be reserved for Dean’s List students. Failing students will serve as canaries. Complementary whips will be provided, courtesy of the TAs.
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