“Montreal rent is expensive, and by providing housing right where they work, our cafeteria workers can always be on-call to serve tasty treats to members of the McGall community!” exclaimed an ecstatic Jorpson.

The construction of this subterranean housing is expected to begin in late May; approximately 100 rooms will be constructed under Bishop Mountain Hall, Carrefour Sherbrooke, Royal Victoria College, and New Residence Hall during the summer months.

Architectural plans obtained by The Weekly from SHES show that these rooms will be approximately four by four metres. Cafeteria employees will share bathrooms with students and floor fellows.
“We hope to replicate the success of our floor fellow program and the happiness of our fellows” said Jorpson.

Several floor fellows were kicked out of the press conference for disrupting the proceedings. Some shouted and waved banners reading “We are literally paid in yogurt,” “I have another job because my job doesn’t pay me except in yogurt,” and, in small print, “Yes I like Greek yogurt but I would prefer money to exchange for yogurt. Wages can be exchanged for goods and services. Come on, guys.”

Matt Thepearl, CEO of SHES, commented briefly on the disruption, “Our compensation is fair and just. Besides, cafeteria workers, like floor fellows, will have the option to barter using purchased cafeteria goods!”

Instead of having a part-time manager for each cafeteria, SHES will have one full-time manager for all cafeterias. Similar to the cutback of part-time individualized hall directors, this full-time manager will be responsible for all cafeterias.

“Having one manager will be great because we don’t need to pay a bunch of people. We are looking for a heroic multitasker with the ability to keep several balls in the air at once,” said Thepearl with a hearty laugh. “We are confident we will be able to provide the same quality of specialized service.”

Cafeteria workers have had mixed reactions to the announcement of the plans.

“I kinda wish they listened to us when we talked about the cafeteria managers. Having one cafeteria manager for all cafeterias is going to make our jobs harder,” said Kara Brown, longtime cafeteria worker. “I mean, at least we have contracts already, the floor fellows needed to fight for them.”

At the end of the conference, Jorpson hinted to a new pilot program where students could apply to be janitors, freely camp out on Lower Field, and keep half the food they scavenge from McGill’s garbage cans.

The post Workers to receive free room and board appeared first on The McGill Daily.

When talking about Russia, Clinton warned that Russia was looking to redraw its post-war borders through aggressive territorial expansion. “This is a clash of values and it’s an effort by Putin to rewrite the boundaries of post-World War II Europe,” said Clinton, who said something that has been said by a lot of policy analysts. People in the audience nodded politely and hmm-ed murmurs of moderate agreement.

Although McGall did not plan this event, several McGall students were in attendance. Batt Moblin, U2 Poli Sigh major with a minor in Neoliberalism studies, commented, “It was pretty cool to see Hillary Clinton! I got free tickets through McGall, I haven’t been this happy since I saw Al Gore last semester! These speakers who do not conflict or challenge my current moderate political views are great!”

Clinton finished her speech and the audience went home convinced of things they had already believed prior to the talk.

“It reminded me of a TED talk. I love TED talks!” added Batt Moblin excitedly.

McGall University, responding to this positive response, has booked several speakers for next year. The Mainstream Political Figures Reciting Talking Points (MPFRTP) initiative promises speakers for the McGall community.

“I think we really are filling a need on an institutional level. McGall wants to listen to politicians who have high brand recognition and have recognizable messages. The students want to hear a politician who preaches environmentalism but won’t denounce capitalism’s role in climate change,” said Kristie Boss, director of Media Within McGall.

Emphasizing the ‘middle-of-the-road’ flavour of politicism that McGall students best empathize with, Boss added further suggestions. “Maybe a speaker who wishes for peace in Ukraine but was involved in an administration which used drones in an illegal secret war?”

Media Within McGall, the organizers of the MPFRTP speaker series, has run into difficult booking guests since McGall is no longer the Most Prestigious University in Canada©.

“We are going to need to settle for the second-best mainstream political figures. I mean it’s still cool that Al Gore was almost president,” said Boss. “The second-best speaker is good enough for the second-best school in Canada!”

The speaker series begins fall next year with 2008 presidential hopeful and former U.S. congressman Dennis Kucinich.

Response to the initial line-up has been largely positive. “Wow Dennis Kucinich! I saw him on the news five years ago! I am gonna tell everyone in my Poli Sigh conference about this,” said Moblin.

The post Mainstream Political Figures Reciting Talking Points initiative prompted by Hillary Clinton speech appeared first on The McGill Daily.

There is an air of nervousness and excitement across campus as election season approaches.

“I am so excited for the beginning of campaign season! I think it is fantastic to see everyone out there,” said N-baller Songstress, candidate for SHMU VP External.

Yet it remains unsaid that if her campaign fails, the hollow husk of her website will linger online in perpetuity. Conversely, if she wins then her opponent will be subject to the same fate. Student democracy is zero-sum.

Particularly of interest is the race for SHMU President with four candidates vying for the position.

“Having multiple candidates promotes multiple viewpoints and tends to increase total voter turnout on campus. This is strongly beneficial to political discourse,” said Bend Fun, Chief Electoral Officer at Elections SHMU, failing to mention that only one candidate can become president and the unrealized hopes and dreams of the rest become caught in amber as cached files on a server.

Like the names of long-dead lovers carved on trees that have long outlasted both the passion of their romance and their lives in entirety, websites of would-be SHMU politicians were once filled with life and promise. Now those which have not been taken down in disappointment serve as a stern reminder to current candidates about the nature of student democracy and futility of all human enterprise.

“With so many candidates in the race, it is important for candidates to follow all electoral bylaws,” added Bend Fun. “This is essential for an orderly election.”

Images of smiling students in blazers in front of the Farts building will be left behind as detritus after this campaign as it has been since the dawn of the internet. Like Ozymandias’ works, carefully constructed websites stand as digital monuments to humanity’s frailty. Tabs that detail platform, experience, and endorsements have remain unclicked for years.

“It is easy to forget about bylaws in the heat of campaigning but it is quite important to follow them. Candidates have consulted heavily with Elections SHMU to make sure no infractions will occur,” stated Klear Stew-Can, candidate for VP University Affairs.

Like the dead who always outnumber the living, the legions of discarded websites championing prior experience and platforms will always outnumber successful SHMU candidates. Like dust suspended in moonlight, they cast an eerie pall over all hopeful successors to the positions.

“We are excited for this year’s election and wish all the candidates the best!” said Fun.

The post Friendly political discourse surrounds election campaigns appeared first on The McGill Daily.

The primary criterion for the selection of a Chancellor is a deep abiding love for McGall University. During the conclave’s gathering, the candidates retreated with the BoC to a secret cabin in the Lahrentian Mountains. The candidates were divided into teams and given matching full body suits. The teams then named themselves after various humorous puns. This year’s teams were allegedly ‘The Flying Fartlets,’ ‘The Bedmen,’ and ‘Tasteless Pun about James McGall’s Genitals.’

Following division into teams, each team competed in challenges for points. These challenges included chanting obscenities, trivia contests about minutia from McGall’s history, and drinking games.

Although no public or press is allowed on the grounds of the cabin during conclave, chants of “McGall once, McGall twice, holy fracking Jesu Crisp” were loud enough to disturb locals and flocks of migrating birds.

Many of the locals near the cabin refused to comment and several had left the area for the duration of the conclave. Houses near the cabin were boarded up and many locals refused to venture out alone for fear of drunken hoards of BoC members and Chancellor hopefuls.

“When they come to town, it is a dark day. No sir we don’t want to talk about the conclave, no we don’t,” said a local from behind a locked and boarded door.

“I moved away to northern Quebec from the Pilton-Marc area of Muntreal to escape drunken McGall students, now they follow me!” said another resident.

After a spirited round of flip cup, the only team that remained was The Flying Fartlets headed by Mikal Meghan, long-time friend of McGall.

Meghan is a McGall alumnus who was long a favourite contender to win the position of Chancellor. During his political career he became well known for being in favour of both same-sex marriage and different-sex marriage, which was bewildering to his Conservative constituents.

“Not only was he chill with same-sex marriage and progressive enough to look good (but not too progressive), Mikal Meghan is a beast at flip cup and an animal at pong,” said an unnamed source close to the Board of Coveters. “It’s no surprise that his team made it to the finals.”

The Flying Fartlets then engaged in feats of strength amongst themselves for a winner to be selected. These feats include handshaking, smiling during photos, and caber tossing McGall undergraduates.

Mikal Meghan rose victorious after a particularly firm yet gentle handshake, solidifying his place as the historic 18th male Chancellor of McGill University.

The day following the conclave, the BoC and candidates all quietly left their cabin with pulsating headaches and sunglasses on their faces, allowing the locals to resume their lives until the next conclave.

The post New Chancellor rises from raucous ranks appeared first on The McGill Daily.

The PPPP plan was supposed to centralize the administration of McGall’s Faculty of Farts in order to cut costs but has been criticized for not meeting the needs of students and also moving the Kinda Student-run Café into the former Farts Admissions office.

“We wanted sandwiches closer to us,” explained Dean of Students Andres Goodcopoulous, between bites of a reasonably priced but not-too-cheap tuna sandwich.

This resulted in a tragic shortage of coffee and sandwiches for McGall students who are unable to locate the relocated Kinda Student-run Café. Furthermore administrative consolidation has resulted in an administrative nightmare that has been called “Kafka-esque,” “near-Soviet in its dedication to inefficiency,” and “kinda inconvenient but not that much worse than what McGall had prior,” by various students who wished to remain anonymous.

For instance, in order to see an advisor for the Department of Pointing at Graphs, a McGall student must first see an academic advisor from the Department of Criticism and Critiquing. After being told that they are in the wrong place, they must get a form from the fifth floor of Mecock, now designated as the Floor of Forms and Associated Miscellanea (FAAM). After that they must run down to the basement of Mecock where the advising forms will be stamped. Following this the student must run to the FAAM floor and back down twice to get the same form and get it stamped in triplicate.

“I am sorry but I really don’t have time for an interview; need to get these forms stamped or else I can’t graduate,” said a U3 student in the Department of Criticism and Critiquing in between gasps.

Calls asking about student involvement in the shaping of this policy were answered by senior Farts administration. However, only the sound of moderately-priced potato salad being chewed was audible.

Another working group of PPPP was renting out the fourth floor of Mecock for farmers to graze their Shetland ponies. This bold step to raise revenue was hampered by the slight oversight that it is impossible to grow grass on the linoleum floor of Mecock.

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