I’ve recently been demoted at my job, and am having trouble coming to terms with my loss. I feel like everything I’ve dedicated my life to is on the brink of falling apart. All I ever wanted was to turn Canada into a barren war machine run by robots and flying monkeys, but now that I’ve been removed as Heir to the Chamber of Secrets, women will have control over what they wear, the environment will soon be on its way to recovery, and children may even start to remember how to laugh.

I’m just a hardworking guy, with feelings like anyone else. Sometimes, when I get really sad, I try to sing away my blues – but there’s only so many Neil Diamond songs in the world. Maybe I was wrong all along, and authoritarianism isn’t the true and glorious path for our nation. I mean, if the system is so flawed that a guy who looks like a wet puppy in need of a good kick can get elected, then maybe that system should be torn apart.

Dear Abby, is it time to give up my beliefs and join the anarchist movement?

—Soul-Searching Stevie

Dear Soul-Searching Stevie,

Wow, sounds like you’re having a hard time! Make sure to take care of yourself and mourn your loss. Dictators need love too. Maybe now would be a good time to explore your sensitive and creative sides – you could take up a soothing hobby, like knitting sweaters out of True D’oh’s shedding hair (the stress of the job will surely wreak havoc on his hairline), or pickling the broken dreams of Gil Dudeceppe.

Alternatively, you could use your new spare time to catch up with your old friends – Argus Filch, Miley Cyrus’s dreadlocks, and that bald guy who hosts Deal or No Deal. Either way, it sounds like you really need to take a long look at yourself – who is the real Stevie? What keeps him warm at night?

I think, if you probe deep enough, you’ll find you still believe in your core values – protecting the patriarchy, disenfranchizing the marginalized, and supporting cultural treasures like Nickelback. I’m not sure you’d really fit in with us anarchists; you would be the Chevy Chase to our Community (a white man asshole who’s just holding us back). But I’m sure there’s a place for you somewhere! In fact, I heard SHMU is looking for a new VP Internal – I bet you could give that Centrikov kid a run for his money!

You should also probably go fetch Chris Alexander from the pile of manure he’s hiding under. Get him a shower and a warm cup of tea (make sure none of your co-workers have peed in the mug!) and then the two of you can settle down to some Netflix and discuss the future of the Conservative Parrots of Canada. I know there’s a lot of hate going around right now, but try not to be too blue. After all, if you didn’t exist, who would Canadians unite against? You’re bringing this country together, one strategic voter at a time.

So Stevie, take some Imodium, sing a lullaby for your fallen regime, and go to sleep knowing that in four years, Canadians will probably be ready once again for real change and vote your party back in.

And, whatever you do, don’t stop believin’!

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I’m the newly appointed course lecturer in SHMU studies and an armchair anarchist. As well as being emotionally devastated by presidential candidate Cream Overhim’s class treachery, I’m facing a serious family problem that’s affecting my health.

I’m a single father of two toddlers, but I also have deep ideological opposition to hierarchical structures. I treat my children as equals in our family collective, and all collective decisions must be decided by consensus. Aunt Abby, please tell me what to do. We haven’t been able to reach consensus over what to have for dinner for a couple of weeks now, so I keep submitting to the majority opinion. All we’ve eaten for two weeks are Reese’s Pieces and lollipops.

I, regrettably, am wasting away, and I worry that my children might be too, though they protest otherwise and demand yet more Reese’s Pieces.

On top of that, they’ve been kicked out of the McGall nursery because they can’t abide the overwhelming shame that comes with wearing bright onesies or being leashed to their fellow toddler comrades like cattle. To make things worse, they can’t see Candidate Overhim’s obvious attempt to appeal to the campus ‘bro vote,’ and have made a mockery of academic work.

Abby, I’m malnourished and ashamed. How do I reconcile my anarchism with my wellbeing?

—Professor Doge Sanscomic, SHMU expert and meme escapee

Dear Professor Sanscomic,

I sympathize, comrade. This is indeed a challenge to our revolutionary praxis. Of course, if you switched allegiance to Leninist Vanguardism, you wouldn’t have this problem – but then again, we don’t all have the luxury of choosing between competing radical dogma. The dogma chooses you.

I remember when anarchism chose me, back when I was a young stripling, awkwardly mingling at the high-school disco, so full of zest for the little things in life. Anarchism strode over to me, asked me to dance, and whispered sweet nothings of class oppression and hierarchical structures into my ear. My life was changed forever.

I digress. As a fully autonomous member of the family collective, it’s your responsibility to adequately express your concerns. I suggest you first bring your concerns to each toddler individually. If that doesn’t work, perhaps you should examine why your opinion is so different from theirs, and whether this is the best collective for you.

There might be more congenial toddlers who would share your food preferences at the McGall nursery. I’d wager many of them also crave freedom from the leash, and would welcome the chance to swap their ‘toys’ – mostly tools of capitalist indoctrination – for the liberating challenge of dense political theory.

As for your revolutionary contribution to the study of Cream Overhim – I think it has value. There’s a special rung in secular hell for leftists who drift toward the centre. Just look at Tony Blair. I counsel you to let things run their course: the devil knows his own.

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My boyfriend and I have always had a healthy sex life. In the past week he’s become uncommunicative and distant. He’s now refusing to sleep with me at all.

I’m a 22-year-old Arts student, my boyfriend is 23 and studying Occult Sciences. I’m a Taurus and he’s a Pisces. We’ve been together since first year and have been madly in love ever since. I’ve asked him if there’s someone else but he says there isn’t. I’m at my wit’s end. He says he still loves me but he’s just not interested in sex anymore.

Dear Anarchist Abbey, what am I to do? I’m still deeply in love with my boyfriend and don’t want our relationship to end. However, I’m afraid that if he doesn’t relent soon I’m going to have to go somewhere else to seek intimacy. I just can’t go back to watching Netflix by myself.

—Gladys Demoiselle, U5 Arts

Dear Gladys,

There are many reasons why a long term partner could suddenly lose interest in the physical side of a relationship, and it’s important to respect your boyfriend’s wishes. At McGall, pressure from schoolwork, rez fires, hangovers, or simply just exhaustion can lead to a flagging interest in sex.

However, on this occasion, I fear that your boyfriend’s lack of energy in the bedroom is due to him worrying himself sick over McGall’s investment portfolio in the fossil fuel industry, which makes us all complicit in overwhelming and total environmental destruction.

The only way for you to put the spark back into your love life is to hope and pray that CAMSR will review its investment policy in the coming weeks. And you should have fucking signed that petition.

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