Mar 31, 2008
By Duncan Stockwell Links
This is the second poster in a series called “I’ve really let myself go.” The series invites you, dear readers, to the most embarrassing moments of my life:
I don’t know exactly who made the cape. I suspect that it was my babysitter at the time, Terry. She couldn’t have kids so she was always sewing and designing creepy doll clothes. The cape in question consisted basically of a large square of light blue fabric with a small felt Batman logo sewn in the center. The handcrafted cloak also had two strings on the top so you could tie it around your neck. I don’t remember how old I was when I got it, but as far back as I remember, it always felt too small.
The Batcape became a regular fixture in our child’s play. One day, I was playing at my friend Gavin’s house. He was eight and I was six. Our moms shared a cubicle at work and I was forever trying to impress him on play dates. I remember tying Terry’s cape on real tight that day because I knew that the bad guys of Gavin’s creation played particularly rough. The mini-Batcape made me feel huge, heroic even, like the Dark Knight himself. I imagined myself as that caped crusader, gliding across the rooftops of Gotham City and stalking villains from the shadows.
Shortly after the games began on this day, the strings around my neck started to chafe. I tried to loosen the cape, but the strings were knotted. Gavin tried too, but he couldn’t get it undone. Panic set in. It felt like my throat was closing. I started to cry and Gavin, slightly older and thoroughly unimpressed, went to get his mom. Suddenly, I was alone and more scared than before. I started praying to God and then quickly gave it up. I cursed Terry and her barren womb for ever crafting such a death trap. The next thing I knew I had pissed my pants. Gavin and his mom arrived to find a tiny, crying Batman covered in piss. Gavin’s mom used her nails to get the knot undone. I was never invited to play at Gavin’s again and, with the exception of the time I went as Rick Wakeman for Halloween, I haven’t worn a cape since.