Mar 06, 2008
By
Campus is aflutter with news about the Spay the Daily campaign. Members of the Yes Commitee include high-placed administration officials. But what’s really going on? According to Deputy Provost Student Life and Learning Mort Mendelson: “The Daily for me is very much an important part of student life at McGill. But we gots to fix its va-jay-jay.” I decided to hit the phones and find out how your elected representatives feel about next week’s referendum.
Jake Itzkowitz
President
McGill Daily: Hi Jake. I’m helping news with some last minute stuff and I’m doing a piece on the Daily campaign.
Jake Itzkowitz: OK, shoot.
MD: Do you the think Daily should be spayed?
JI: Do I think I think it should be what?
MD: Spayed. Spay the Daily.
JI: Spayed?
MD: Do you think it should be spayed?
JI: Which one is male, which one is female?
MD: Spay is female, I think.
JI: Okay. Then, without any of the gender implications in that, yes.
MD: Why?
JI: Well, you’ve already got The Daily and Le Délit, we don’t need any more of them running around.
MD: Why would you want to remove reproductive organs from 20 people? Doesn’t that kind of reek of eugenics?
JI: I wouldn’t say from the people themselves, I think it’s from the paper.
MD: So you conceive of The Daily as having a collective vagina?
JI: Um... I don’t know where it would go. But I guess so.
Kay Turner
VP Internal
Presidential candidate
MD: Hi Kay, it’s Drew. [Ed note: This was a lie.] I just wanted to get your comment on the “Spay the Daily” campaign. Do you think the Daily should be spayed?
Kay Turner: Should be what?
MD: Spayed.
KT: Spayed? I don’t – to be honest I don’t know what you mean by that.
MD: Spaying is like neutering but with female animals.
KT: Oh, like a cat.
MD: Yeah, exactly.
KT: Am I somehow affiliated with this campaign?
MD: Ah, no, it’s an administration thing.
KT: That’s ridiculous.
MD: I know. So could you clarify your position?
KT: I – I don’t think The Daily should be spayed. This is the first time I’ve heard about this. And I don’t think it’s something that should happen. It doesn’t seem appropriate that anyone would be running a campaign on that. Where is the campaign?
MD: Uh, it’s a grassroots thing.
KT: Are there posters and stuff?
MD: Yeah, all over Shatner. I’m surprised you haven’t seen them.
KT: Oh. Oh. I see. Well, I have nothing to do with it. I have no idea this is going on.
MD: Jake [Ed note: The Bill to Kay’s Hillary] said he was in support of it.
KT: Really? Well, me and Jake don’t have the same views on everything. I know there are student execs that aren’t in favour of The Daily at all. The Daily hasn’t always been that impressed with me but having The Daily have full control over all its content is important.
MD: And its reproductive organs?
KT: Um, What? I – what? What? I don’t know.
Marcelle Kosman
VP Clubs & Services
McGill Daily: Hi, Marcelle, I just wanted to know how you felt about the Spay the Daily campaign.
Marcelle Kosman: The Spay The Daily campaign? You mean spay like the way I spayed my cat?
MD: Yeah, like the way you spayed your cat.
MK: I mean – not me personally, I took her to a veternarian. Um, I haven’t read an issue of The Daily since I ran for SSMU. Every now and then I skim it for my name.
MD: So do you support the campaign?
MK: Well, see the thing is. You spay a female cat, whereas you neuter a male cat. The reason you would spay a female cat is that a) you don’t want kittens and b) when your female cat goes into heat its really annoying because she’ll howl and meow for days and rub her, you know, posterior, against things and its really creepy. And you always have stray male cats around the area.
But also – this is something that most people don’t realize – when female cats are in heat and they menstruate it doesn’t actually come out of their bodies. It can stay inside so if you go a long time without getting your cat spayed she can get really sick becasue their bodies are meant to breed kittens: they’re not like human bodies. (Conspiratorially) You know what I mean.
[Ed. note Compendium sits in stunned silence.]
The reason why The Daily should be spayed is you don’t want all those male cats lingering outside the Shatner building pissing on things and fighting over The Daily and you don’t want The Daily to get sick from all that blood and ova hanging around inside collecting mould or whatever.
MD: That’s disgusting. Anything else?
MK: I just found a quarter on the ground.