KIDS: BIG FUCKING DEAL

Here’s a thought experiment for you to ponder. Imagine that I moved into your house tomorrow. I’d refuse to pay rent, or work, or cook, or wipe my anus after defecating. Because I’m a moody person, I’d oscillate between hyperactive giddiness and wild temper tantrums. I’d demand the right to suckle at your wife’s teat for a year.

Would you adore me? Probably not.

And yet, we cherish kids, in all their malignant forms. Babies, toddlers, tweens, pre-teens, adolescents: our sick culture loves them all. Frankly, this is disgusting. Kids are like stomach tumours that grow in ladies’ stomachs for nine months, then fall out and immediately start making hostile demands.

You might think you can avoid the kinder-plague by choosing not to reproduce. You’re wrong. Kids don’t just ruin it for everybody in their familes, they ruin it for everybody in our society. Every time a conservative demands that we sanitize or dumb down our popular culture, they do it in the name of the children. Our movies are sexless, our books are boring, and our newspapers are censored, all to avoid traumatizing these pint-sized freeloaders. The funny thing is, they’re probably too busy crapping their pants and crying to notice if, say, your city’s daily paper decides to print the “F word.”

Fuck kids.