It’s the night of our nightmares
It’s the night of our dreams
– High School Musical 3
THE FLATEAU, LAST FRIDAY NIGHT – A McGall student’s night went either very well or very badly – well according to Frosh Leaders present at the scene, badly according to neighbourhood EMT’s, neighbours, non-inebriated persons, and general misanthropes. The student’s liver could not be reached for comment, having transcended to another plane of existence.
Frosh leaders, however, responded eagerly to the Weekly’s inquiries, declaring that “THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF HIS LIFE,” in that remarkable way Frosh leaders have of conveying all caps all the time. The student was taken from the scene in a posture resembling the Egyptian mummies of old – wrapped tightly in restraints atop a stretcher, guts gone, a foreign substance flooding their cavities. Millennia old Egyptian livers, however, appear better preserved.
When pressed for a response, McGall administration and Frosh organizers optimistically and unanimously informed the Weekly that “at least there weren’t any rape chants!” Certainly, McGall’s Frosh places strong emphasis on safe spaces, and Frosh leaders are forbidden from sex with their underlings until at least the day after Frosh. The punishment for violating this tenet is severe – a dramatic breaking of the Great Frosh Manacle, that which alloweth entry to yonder vaunted clubs and events of the night. More importantly, it deprives the Frosh leader of their school-provided beer budget. When questioned about the validity of the “safe spaces” during Frosh, given the absence of unimpaired judgement, another Frosh leader claims the alcohol serves as vital social lubrication for wary and unknowing female students who may well be drinking for their very first time. “Greater alcohol consumption directly correlates to increased rate of them matching with me on Tinder a week later”, says same male Frosh leader, who, at the time of his interview with the Weekly, is finally sober and now drawing on knowledge of data analysis from his sociology and sexual diversity studies major.
Of course, the intended beneficiaries of Frosh are not the Frosh leaders but the Froshies, and Frosh does a great deal besides imbuing them with school spirit via school spirits. For instance: preparing students by leaving them in a burned out state that will likely remain for the next four years, drilling them in mindless chants and regurgitation of both words and alcohol (which they will also do for the next four years), and allowing them to make lasting friendships that will only dissolve when classes start and they realize they had nothing in common besides equal levels of alcohol consumption. The week of nightmares and dreams indeed.
Update: Injured student, now revealed to be a Frosh leader, reports he was only setting an example for Froshie underlings. “Alcohol poisoning – say what.”