Mass name change takes place on campus
Students with names professors can’t be fucked to learn have discovered that the names given to them at birth by loving parents are no longer functional. Instead, countless Sarahs, Roberts, Stevens, and Lilys are taking the place of names with personal and cultural meaning, for ease of pronunciation by people who are nonetheless willing to learn and echo names like Daenerys, Ygritte, and Hodor. When asked for a statement, Andy (formerly Adjatay) informed the Weekly that he is slightly comforted, however, by local students’ display of solidarity when they complain about Starbucks baristas getting their names wrong.
McGall Mental Health Clinic logs shortest wait times ever
Students and administrators are in rare consensus, agreeing that a miracle has taken place in the form of the McGall Mental Health Clinic’s new efficiency. One student who called to schedule a consultation on September 9 immediately received an appointment for September 8, whilst another was told “it gets better”, “turn that frown upside down”, and “depression is a state of mind”. The budget has also been diverted to provide free bananas to students, because “yellow is a happy colour.”
Problematic professor stunned as students drop out en masse in protest
A long-time McGall professor was shocked Monday morning to find her class’s numbers decimated after a particularly controversial statement made during the add-drop period. When asked for a statement, students explained that the professor had said some questionable things in the past: “British colonialism united India,” for instance, or “as a white woman who lived in South Africa, I can identify as African-American”. The response to these statements usually consists of nervous shifting in seats and singular beads of sweat appearing on foreheads, but no more response than the bystander effect prescribes. The now former students explained that the professor crossed the line, however, when she told the class she had revised the syllabus to include “too many group projects”, thus compelling the show of dissent.
White man takes over Students of Colour Association
The whitest man since the Pillsbury Dough Boy has breached the ranks of the Students of Colour Association (SCA), to the delight of the Diversity Photo Acquisition for School Websites and Brochures Committee and some SCA members. The Administration is touting the shakeup as a win for diversity on campus, as the SCA, historically made up of mostly marginalized students, has long been viewed as exclusionary and reverse racist. Its new president has already proposed sweeping changes, including revising the constitution to include white as a colour. The SCA’s male executives of colour are just excited by the prospect of more white girls joining the group’s ranks.
And finally, Harambe is still relevant…