In a recent statement published by the official propaganda arm of the McGall Administration, The Newspeak, just in time for orientation week, Principal and Vice Baroness Suzie Forte along with Dean of Denial Chris Buttle expressed their deepest sympathies at having to ignore student activists for the fifth consecutive year in a row. “It was a unanimous decision,” she said, “the Board of Guv’nors agreed it was within the university’s best financial interests to stick to what our donors tell us to do.” McGall has a stellar track record of turning a deaf ear to calls for acknowledging human rights abuses locally and internationally, as well as disastrous environmental catastrophes, surpassing any Canadian institution by far.
“Let them have their fun, that’s what university is all about, isn’t it?” said the Dean of Students, fiddling with his giant tarantula puppet glove. “And as long as the students don’t get too close to the administration building,” said the Baroness, finishing the Dean’s sentence.
When asked how the University treats reports of threats being mailed to McGall student activists, the Principal replied that “it is not within the University’s mandate to interfere in our students’ private lives – that makes us no better than CSIS, and those people are bad, right?”
“Listen, we just want to have a quiet year, is that too much to ask?” said a member of the McGall Board of Guv’nors, who also sits on the Committee to Deny Matters of Social Responsibility, in a phone interview with The Weekly when asked about the decision. “Kids these days should just keep their heads in the books instead of worrying about the tar sands or nonsense like that. Not on my watch.”
“Another year, another disappointment,” said the President of SHMU Bren Vander Gur, after a letting out a long sigh of exasperation. “It’s bad enough they didn’t tell us every paved street on campus was going to be dug up again to check for ‘plumbing,’” he scoffed, “psh, plumbing, as if.”
We, at The McGall Weekly editorial board, also had a slight crisis at the sudden news. “We seem to have lost all reason for existence,” cried one editor, caught in a moment of despair, “if there’s no radical, leftist, activism on campus, what are we going to report on?!”
“We need to find a way to break our lease agreement with SHMU, no reason in paying thousands to rent our office anymore,” piped in another editor.
The statement ended in a show of support for our investors. “Don’t worry, we’ve got your back, no one’s going to hurt you now,” Forte said. This decision on behalf of the administration marks a benchmark step in what Forte called the “conversion” of the University into a full-fledged private business. “We’re hoping to completely privatize by 2020,” she declared.