Compendium | In search of democracy

Journalists perform excursion into depths of SHMU

Last Friday night, The Weekly’s self-proclaimed ace reporter Djemme Arrikan and Grammerian 茶茶 were jolted awake from their production trance due to a sinister laugh emanating from the depths of the Shtaneer building.

As our readers may very well know, The Weekly’s office is located in a dark-damp corner in the basement of Shtaneer – but in an even darker-damper nook of this same building is the lair of the SHMUrsonalities, the occult cult that rules over all SHMUtizens with an iron fist.

Speaking to Arrikan, 茶茶 asked, “Yo did you hear that – a sinister laugh emanating from the depths of Shtaneer?” In response, Arrikan scoffed, saying, “Duh.”

Gearing up, the two journalists-in-arms prepared for the treacherous trek into the bowels of Shtaneer. After a two-day spelunk, the dynamic duo reached the SHMUffice mid-Sunday. Received at the lobby by the SHMUceptionist, the pair of reporters asked if they could do an interview with whoever was the source of the sinister laugh.

Speaking to The Weekly via the dyad of editors, the SHMUceptionist said, “Ah yes, the sinister laugh. It came from the office of the King.”

Baffled beyond belief, the doublet of newspeople ran inside, only to see an eldritch light emanating from the office of Abraham Kream, the Overburdened, King of SHMU, Lord of the Twelve Faculties, Protector of Social Justice, Lord Paramount of Arts, Eternal Sovereign of la Nouvelle Résidence, the Advisor on Matters of Social Responsibility, Conqueror of Climate Change, Great Restructurer, General Assembler, the Seventh of the Seven, and former Interim Carer of the SHMU Babies and Chairperson of the Council of Students’ Commissars of the Students’ Union.

Inside Kream’s office was a sight most marvellous. Three people stood around a desk, which was covered with a black cloth adorned with arcane runic symbols. Atop this desk, glowing like one of those ultraviolet mosquito traps, was Kream himself, muttering words in a long-forgotten language that scratched at the ears of the two holders of the press pass.

Suddenly, a silent explosion took place, shaking Shtaneer to its very core. When the partners-in-journalism shed their stupor, they saw Kream sitting at his desk, with VP Outermost Emilia Trotsnik, Librarian Extraordinaire Aaaron Sorbet, and VP Bludgeons & Deliverance Killber Diealik standing behind the bedeviled SHMUrsonality.

Speaking to The Weekly, the three spellbinders obviously behind Kream’s reverse exorcism said, “We are pretty angry with the way things turned out, you know?”

Diealik said, “I really wanted to get some more money so I could spend all that on our precious SHMU bludgeons. But I can’t do that now.” Trotsnik continued, “All our hopes and dreams kinda failed because of that incident when the Anointed One turned off the floodgates of democracy on campus.”

During a “quorum love-in” last year, a student had become so attuned with Robert’s Rules that they were able to transcend the SHMUndaries of reality. Since then, McGall has been a dried-up desert, devoid of democracy.

“I WILL OPEN THE FLOODGATES OF DEMOCRACY,” Kream said rudely (because he spoke before he was spoken to), but the double scriveners were nice enough to let Kream continue speaking.


Smiling devilishly behind Kream, Trotsnik, Sorbet, and Diealik produced infernal pens from their pockets and began writing in perfect SHMUnison on a piece of paper in front of Kream.

“On Monday, February 22, let it be known that the SHMUtizens are expected to attend a General Assembly. All SHMUtizens are expected to be excited about this event,” they wrote.

And on top of this document, in large letters, with the first letter of each word larger than the rest, they wrote, “Bring Democracy to SHMU.”

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