On December 31, most people on Earth finished up with the year 2015 and collectively declared “New year, new me.”
In a haphazardly written letter sent to campus publications, including The Weekly, Duke of Media Relations Douglas Sweetie wrote, “Friends, we need your help. Suzie Forte failed to enter the new year!”
While Sweetie failed to respond to any of our follow-up questions, The Weekly successfully uncovered that McGall Principal and Vice-Baroness Suzie Forte was stuck frozen in time, eating soup and breadsticks and watching re-runs of the classic Discovery Channel show Ice Road Truckers.
Entering the frozen Forte’s foyer through the front door, The Weekly’s budding prime news reporter Helen Pulls found the aliens!
And Pulls was then abducted!
Having heard the news that Pulls was abducted by the aliens, The Weekly’s editorial board organized an emergency editorial board meeting, wherein it decided to send in Gore Semantikov, former news writer and current One-Hundred-Percent-Totally-Objective-Opinions editor.
Having entered Forte’s abode, Semantikov found Forte sitting exactly where she was sitting when Pulls was abducted. Looking around, Semantikov found the remains of Pulls’ pen on the floor. When he put the pen back together, Pulls immediately appeared next to him, putting an end to that particular mystery.
Speaking to Semantikov, Pulls said, “I don’t fucking know man. Aliens.”
In response, Semantikov said, “Get a grip Pulls, we need to solve this other mystery.”
Working together harmoniously, Semantikov and Pulls reportedly realized that the re-runs of the renowned TV show Ice Road Truckers were all made in 2015. Because she was not able to move into the new year in her binge-watching marathon, Forte was not able to enter the new year in real life either.
The next day, Pulls and Semantikov took their findings to the mysterious cultish group known as the McGall Board of Guv’nors (BoG’n).
Speaking at the BoG’n at the same time, Pulls and Semantikov explained the situation.
“This is why you must invest in this TV show, so that Forte can watch the truckers of the icy road one more year and enter the new year,” they said in unison.
Responding to The Weekly’s reporters, Abraham Kream, King of SHMU, Lord of the Twelve Faculties, Protector of Social Justice, Lord Paramount of Arts, Eternal Sovereign of la Nouvelle Résidence, the Advisor on Matters of Social Responsibility, Conqueror of Climate Change, Great Restructurer, General Assembler, and former Interim Carer of the SHMU Babies and Chairperson of the Council of Students’ Commissars of the Students’ Union, recognized the need to follow the advice of The Weekly’s reporters. As such, Kream moved to pass a new year’s resolution to invest in the Discovery Channel.
At press time, Forte was still sitting at her chair, as the shooting of the new season of Ice Road Truckers had just started. Only time will tell whether Forte will ever be able to enter 2016.