Compendium | Is there life after school?

On the spiritual path of the enlightened student

I understand why you may not believe in life after school. There is no academic evidence of it, so the mainstream professors and researchers don’t want you to know that there are aspects of reality not accounted for in their theories. In the decades we’ve spent in school, we’ve been thoroughly indoctrinated, and only the strongest minds among us can come to terms with the reality that there’s more to the world than what ‘they’ want you to believe.

But life after school is real. Hundreds of students have seen it and come back to tell the tale. They have reported powerful out-of-school (OOS) experiences, which I have painstakingly compiled over the past seven years. Students have told me about the intense feelings that subsume the body in an OOS: a sensation of peacefully floating away from university buildings, encounters with extracurricular entities, sightings of former students who dropped out long ago – an entirely different plane of reality, unburdened by essays, group presentations, and conferences.

Whatever skeptics say, these accounts cannot be explained without positing the existence of a life outside of school, a fourth dimension where the observable universe extends beyond the seemingly impenetrable Roddick Gates. But not just anyone can visit this peaceful reality – most of us spend our entire existence trapped in the interminable cycle of mundane scholarly pursuits. While our time on this campus is punctuated by occasional moments of seeming happiness – one of our papers receives an A grade, a waitlist spot opens up on Minerva, a samosa sale awaits us upon our exit from class – these are but a fleeting twinkle in the cycle of failure, suffering, anxiety, and dissatisfaction. We must renounce the lowly pleasures of university life to attain liberation.

From the existence of the school we must infer the existence of a school-maker that sets it into motion. This maker resides, unmoved and contemplative, in that vast and tranquil beyond which some of us have blessedly glimpsed, and it goes by the name of Beyoncé. We owe it nothing but devotion, for it holds the key to our salvation.

Glory to Beyoncé, and death to heretic acadeists.