Compendium | How to contour your face and look like a nightmare creature

Beauty tips from the underworld

If you don’t have high cheekbones, thin lips, a sharp jawline, and pale skin – don’t worry! This contouring makeup tutorial will teach you how to completely erase your face and recreate European beauty standards, regardless of face shape or skin tone. Prepare to give in to the internalized racism and generations of white beauty standards that have been shoved down your throat with this simple five-step tutorial.

Step one: Cleanse your face to remove all impurities. Make sure to scrub away all confidence and self-esteem. Remember, you want your face to be a blank canvas so that your skin can easily absorb socially constructed ideas of beauty propagandized by methodically retouched CoverGirl ads!

Step two: Smear your face with a foundation that is five shades lighter to cover up blemishes and any shame you might have for not being related to Snow White. Blend your foundation evenly with a clean brush – this smooth coat of slime will be the mask that shields the world from ever knowing that your natural skin tone isn’t a plastic shade of Barbie beige.

Step three: Apply bronzer under your cheekbones, jawline, and the sides of your nose to hide all non-Western European features. The dark contouring will create angles and facial features you never knew you had, revealing your inner Kylie Jenner-esque nightmare creature when you look in the mirror. Don’t stop applying bronzer until you can feel the weight of a thousand souls sighing in resignation after a celebrity dons blackface in the name of fashion/their bursting ego/a pseudo-God complex, et cetera.

Step four: Apply highlighter on the bridge of your nose, forehead, above your cheekbones, and chin to make these newly unleashed angular features pop. For a modern twist on the classic white supremacist aesthetic, make your face look whiter than Taylor Swift’s in the neo-colonial safari mess that is the “Wildest Dreams” video. If you want to go for an ‘edgier,’ more ‘alternative’ style, look no further than Katy Perry – her candy-coloured hair and faux-rebellious image have allowed her to enjoy both her blinding whiteness and penchant for flagrant cultural appropriation.

Step five: Lightly dust your face with a setting powder composed of a crushed mixture of the lost dreams of soulless GQ image editors, the bone marrow disappeared from models retouched down to a size negative two, and the skulls of art directors who make Beyonce and Nicki Minaj look like brand ambassadors for skin whitening cream.

Bonus tip: If you want to make your cheeks pop, mix the blood of catcallers with some essential oils and sweep this budget-friendly (and super organic) blush over your cheeks! For an extra sense of empowerment, practice your biting street harassment comebacks in the mirror while waiting for your makeup to set. Now that you embody the spitting image of white colonial beauty, the world truly is yours.

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