COMPENDIUM_field-hole

Compendium | Bottomless hole of despair to solve McGall’s infrastructure crisis

Benefits of hole-based educational approach deemed “pretty high”

McGall’s new plan to “streamline the university experience” for its students through cost-cutting measures will involve the continued digging of a large, soul-sucking hole on the university’s downtown campus, newly appointed provost Christopa P. Manfreddo announced last week.

“With our crumbling buildings in desperate need of repairs that we can in no way afford, we thought it best to defer all maintenance indefinitely,” said Manfreddo. “We chose instead to centralize McGall’s world-class soul-crushing educational experience into a modern, robust, universally accessible location.”

The construction of the hole began earlier this month on Lower Field. The hole will be expanded over the next few years, its warm darkness coming to progressively engulf each and every one of McGall’s lecture halls, classrooms, libraries, and laboratories.

Upon cursory observation of the hole, The Weekly foresaw a gaping maw in the middle of Montreal; an aphotic abyss into the depths of the Earth; a black hole from which there is no return; a breach in the body of Mother Earth; a cavernous cavity clearly created with cantankerous care.

This infrastructural change will synergize with the continued evolution of McGall’s educational philosophy. The provost’s polemical People, Ploughs, and Partnerships plan will proceed as previously projected, with more and more humanities classes converted into increasingly long and deep “learning lessons” in the new hole.

“It’s just so much simpler this way,” Liberal Science professor Ed Geedude told The Weekly. “No longer will I have to bleaken my students’ miserable lives with interminable coursework and impossible examinations – bleakness and misery will now be available on a self-serve basis in the soul-destroying hole.”

Incoming froshies were introduced to the updated educational paradigm at a new orientation week event called “Managing Expectations: Digging Yourself Deeper Into the Hole.”

“I’m a bit disappointed,” said U0 Space Philosophy student Carla Hagan-Sawking, speaking to The Weekly after the event. “As a new student, I was looking forward to getting involved with clubs on campus like the Young Astronomers’ Guild. I must say, I fear that spending the rest of my life in the hole might not be conducive to my social development.”

“I, for one, am happy,” said U12 Existentialist Studies student Geneviève-Pauline Goodseeing. “Finally, there is a hole as deep as me and my intellectual capabilities. Can you imagine the conversations I will have with all my friends, staring into this abyss?”

When asked to comment, Deputy Provost (Student Gripes and Weed) Sir Lolliver Sandwichheart assured The Weekly that the provision of services to students will in no way be affected by the moving of all educational activities to the hole.

“Student health – especially mental health – will remain as much of a priority for us as ever, with students spending more and more time in the hole and hopefully reaching a near-permanent state of complete despair,” Sandwichheart said. “I can’t emphasize enough how beneficial this hole will be.”


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