A press conference this past Thursday saw McGall University’s Learning Disability and Mental Illness Liaison Dunwary Behapie, ecstatic to announce his success in making our fair school “friendlier” than it’s ever been.
“It does not escape our notice that the North American higher education system is constructed to cater to one very specific type of mind, housed in one very specific type of body. It is not the goal of my position to change that,” Behapie said with a chuckle. “I mean, could you imagine? But we feel we’ve made a few useful tweaks to that model, making McGall a veritable wonderland for the neurodetergent. Neurodeterrent. Whatever. The neurowhatevers among us. Them.”
“We just feel so lucky that we have a small number of wonderful, incredibly overburdened staff members dedicated to taking care of these students. So convenient. Takes the onus off of everyone else! So they can go about their normal business, without having to think about this type of thing too hard.”
Despite the narrow timeframe dedicated to this conference, the reporters present managed to pose plenty of insightful questions, regarding things like the staffing problems in the Office that does nothing for Students with Disabilities, the difficulty of communication within the University’s heavily divided department structure, and even the very nature of McGall’s red-tape-laden bureaucracy and the time and energy necessary to navigate student services. Behapie, serene and cheerful as always, dismissed these concerns with a wave of one pale, spidery hand.
“Learning to navigate within these structures builds character these students might not develop otherwise. What is this, Tumblr? We can’t coddle them!”
“Still, in recognition of the difficulties faced by these, ahem, difficult cases, we’ve elected to hire cute, perky yoga teachers-in-training to sit at strategic points throughout the campus, ready at any moment to suggest meditation as a cure for depression, or a juice cleanse to combat anxiety. But listening to these brave new employees is the responsibility of the students! If they would just take the good advice that’s offered, their lives could be so much easier!” With this, Behapie crossed his arms, leaned comfortably back on the podium, and nodded to himself contentedly, looking not unlike a farmer surveying a particularly fruitful harvest.
“We just want to do everything we can to help these students decide to be normal and stop bothering everyone. It’s not easy, Lord knows they don’t make it easy for us, but we’re doing our best. And that’s what’s important, isn’t it?”