compendium

Compendium | Portal to hell still in Lower Field

Demons hijack souls, make campus a better place

To the annoyance of many students, demons have been sighted at McGall, going around campus, occupying desks at McLemon Library, creating huge lines at Subway, being keeners in conferences, and generally being rather rude.

In an attempt to provide a relatively safe learning environment for its students, the University has been attempting to exorcise the unholy forces tearing the veil between the real and unreal.

Eating a sandwich at SHNAX, Deputy Provost for Student Gripes and Weed Trololollivier Bitumens told The Weekly that the admin was “literally” doing its best to find the source of this demonic invasion.

“We literally looked everywhere. Like, everywhere. In Shtaneer, Mecock, the James Defenestration. Nowhere. There is nothing wrong absolutely nowhere; yet still… There are some superpowered student politicians flying around with Swords of Justice and cutting people’s conformist hats? Something wicked our way comes.”

When casually asked whether they had checked the portal to hell in Lower Field, Bitumens answered, “Lol, we totally forgot about that place.”

On September 16, 2013 (Compendium!, page 20, “Rankings drop, portal to hell appears on lower field”), a portal to hell opened in Lower Field, much to the chagrin of students of Faculty of Plumbers, who use the field as an ice rink during winter.

“What these demons are doing is totally unacceptable,” said Torque Kang, speaking on behalf of Plumber Students’ Society (PSS). “Like, one of them, wearing a suit, came up to one of my friends the other day, and asked him to sell it his soul in exchange for a research grant for sustainable development technologies in some field that does not involve explosives.”

“This is unacceptable! We are not at McGall to learn about making the world a better place,” Kang added.

Ever since the demons began pouring from the guts of hell itself, McGall researchers have stopped doing bad things in general. Speaking to The Weekly in a telepathic exchange, a representative of the demons, who have since 2013 been unionized under the name Demonize McGall, said that they will not stop until McGall becomes the “happiest place on earth.”

“Demons are misunderstood,” boomed the demon’s voice in The Weekly’s collective hive-mind. “Sure we drink human blood every now and then, and we consume the flesh of sinners, but we actually have your best interests at heart.”

The Weekly has interpreted this vision to mean that the demons are planning to take peaceful direct action to stand up, or perhaps sit down, for their rights. We are not really sure, but we are almost certain that it’s either about the sandwiches, or provincial budget cuts that have resulted in a hiring freeze, cancelled courses, a reduction in TA hours, and an overall drop in the quality of education. Not to mention the myriad social implications that the overall austerity regime has outside McGall, ranging from the government reneging on collective agreements to cuts to social services.

It’s probably just the sandwiches, though.

Quebec Political Action and Research Group on Humanism McGall (QPARGH-McGall) has recently released a video on its Facebook page declaring its support for Demonize McGall. Speaking in unison and perfect harmony, the thirteen members of QPARGH-McGill’s board said that their “support for the demons” was “eternal.”

“We, out of our free will and volition declare that the demons are striving to represent the public will of society. That is why we must strive to give them more. Peace, love, and non-violence are things for which we must all strive. Striving is what we must do. Only if we strive shall we succeed in defeating those who strive for bad things.”

Regardless, Bitumens informed The Weekly that the portal to hell will possibly be closed in the upcoming days, due to fears that the intense heat of hell might be a fire hazard.
At press time, the demons of Lower Field were last seen hanging out around the portal to hell, singing along to Bob Dylan’s famous song, “Masters of War.”

The Weekly’s resident demonologist Kitty “Hellfire” Brandhel managed to infiltrate the circle of demons, seeking infernal wisdom. After spending an entire night among the hellspawn, Brandhel emerged from the pit, her eyes like two scarlet rubies.

Speaking to The Weekly in an interview, Brandhel characterized the experience as, “Whatever.”

According to Ophelia Moustache-Beret, SHMU VP Isolation and Obliviousness, McGall is the only university in Montreal that is plagued by demons.

“In full disclosure, however, we do not really know what is happening anywhere else in Montreal. As per the policies of SHMU, McGall students are mandated to keep themselves isolated from the rest of the world and to not care about society at all. For all we know, there might be around 30,000 students out there in various other universities, all voting to go on a strike or something. What matters the most, however, is that we fight these demons among us. I mean, who cares what happens elsewhere, right?”


Comments posted on The McGill Daily's website must abide by our comments policy.