compendium

Compendium | Kang’s Facebook hacked by Forte, Weekly learns

BRIEF

Torque Kang’s Facebook account was hacked by McGall principal Suzie Forte, The Weekly has learned.

In a full disclosure, Forte explained in an email that she had hacked his account because she wanted to stalk the pictures of him that he had hidden from his profile.

“I never wanted any of this brouhaha, or to ruin what was a lovely and cordial SHMU election,” said Forte, “but he’s such a #hottie.”

Asked by The Weekly what she found attractive about Kang, Forte stated she had a particular fondness for his “amusing forays into wild exaggeration,” as well as his “pert buttocks.”

Kang retracted his criminal charge against SHMU President-elect, Cream Overhim, after hearing of Forte’s admission.

“I’m in shock,” said Kang. “The only reason I ran for president last year was for the chance to occasionally sit at the same table as Forte.”

Kang said he “wasn’t quite sure how to proceed,” and asked Weekly reporter Dan A. Ray to look over a text he was about to send to check it wasn’t “too needy.”

Weekly journalists comforted a distressed Kang, who, after sending his text message, fretted that it had been “read” but not responded to.

“Heeyyy sorry, sorry, bin rly busy with this McGall Principal shit, Bitumens was being a pain again – wanna hang soon do?” responded Forte.

Kang and Forte were later overheard, in campus favourite Bar des Pins, awkwardly switching between conversation topics a little bit too quickly.

Elections SHMU estimates the success of the relationship at 50 per cent.

“Some of our analysts think it’s sweet, but others think Kang will harp on about SHMU conspiracies too much, jeopardizing the relationship,” said a source, who wished to remain anonymous.


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