Dear Anarchist Aunt Abby,
I’m the newly appointed course lecturer in SHMU studies and an armchair anarchist. As well as being emotionally devastated by presidential candidate Cream Overhim’s class treachery, I’m facing a serious family problem that’s affecting my health.
I’m a single father of two toddlers, but I also have deep ideological opposition to hierarchical structures. I treat my children as equals in our family collective, and all collective decisions must be decided by consensus. Aunt Abby, please tell me what to do. We haven’t been able to reach consensus over what to have for dinner for a couple of weeks now, so I keep submitting to the majority opinion. All we’ve eaten for two weeks are Reese’s Pieces and lollipops.
I, regrettably, am wasting away, and I worry that my children might be too, though they protest otherwise and demand yet more Reese’s Pieces.
On top of that, they’ve been kicked out of the McGall nursery because they can’t abide the overwhelming shame that comes with wearing bright onesies or being leashed to their fellow toddler comrades like cattle. To make things worse, they can’t see Candidate Overhim’s obvious attempt to appeal to the campus ‘bro vote,’ and have made a mockery of academic work.
Abby, I’m malnourished and ashamed. How do I reconcile my anarchism with my wellbeing?
—Professor Doge Sanscomic, SHMU expert and meme escapee
Dear Professor Sanscomic,
I sympathize, comrade. This is indeed a challenge to our revolutionary praxis. Of course, if you switched allegiance to Leninist Vanguardism, you wouldn’t have this problem – but then again, we don’t all have the luxury of choosing between competing radical dogma. The dogma chooses you.
I remember when anarchism chose me, back when I was a young stripling, awkwardly mingling at the high-school disco, so full of zest for the little things in life. Anarchism strode over to me, asked me to dance, and whispered sweet nothings of class oppression and hierarchical structures into my ear. My life was changed forever.
I digress. As a fully autonomous member of the family collective, it’s your responsibility to adequately express your concerns. I suggest you first bring your concerns to each toddler individually. If that doesn’t work, perhaps you should examine why your opinion is so different from theirs, and whether this is the best collective for you.
There might be more congenial toddlers who would share your food preferences at the McGall nursery. I’d wager many of them also crave freedom from the leash, and would welcome the chance to swap their ‘toys’ – mostly tools of capitalist indoctrination – for the liberating challenge of dense political theory.
As for your revolutionary contribution to the study of Cream Overhim – I think it has value. There’s a special rung in secular hell for leftists who drift toward the centre. Just look at Tony Blair. I counsel you to let things run their course: the devil knows his own.