Compendium | Whites Templar ride to the rescue

Challenge made to reverse racism at McGall goes wrong

On January 18, Queer McGall, a student-run service for queer people and allies, faced unprecedented criticism for limiting attendance at workshops during its Rad Sex Week event series. One event, entitled “Desires: A QT*POC Exploration,” was closed to queer and trans people of colour. Do-gooders the campus over erupted in principled fury over such overt reverse racism, and called on both students and the administration to adopt a strict anti-oppression program — in part because of the nice symmetry this would create with the already existing austerity program.

“You know, I never gave any serious thought to this anti-o shit until now,” said Whitey McCracker, a U1 Patriarchy Administration student in an interview with The Weekly. “This is a chance for me to intrude on something that doesn’t involve me, and to put my degree to practice. So I think it’s great!”
Although Queer McGall’s event excited a strange joy in students of Patriarchy Administration, others were genuinely insulted. A group of self-satisfied students, dressed in suits in an awkward attempt at showing authority, convened a closed meeting to discuss resistance tactics.

“This is actually quite a tricky situation,” explained Pomp N’sercumsdance, a Brain Thinky Science student and anti-reverse racism activist, after the meeting. “This attack is an example of unacceptable and oppressive exclusion — but we can’t pass a motion to postpone indefinitely this time. No… this requires a new type of witchcraft.”

“Rest assured we’re taking decisive action to reassert our position,” he continued in an annoyingly conspiratorial tone.

Quickly afterward, The Weekly interviewer decided they had had enough of N’sercumsdance’s sensationalist bullshit and bribed him with candy stolen from the SHMU nursery in order to reveal his secrets. N’sercumsdance went on to reveal that anti-reverse racism activists were pooling resources to summon the ancient order of the Whites Templar, historically tasked with protecting crusaders from reverse racism in Holy Land.

“Wow. Much interesting development,” commented Professor Doge Sanscomic, who reads popular histories when lonely. “So history. So protection from reverse racism. Much excite,” they continued.

The Whites Templar mysteriously disappeared from Palestine during the 13th century, though rumours persisted for centuries that they had gone underground in order to hide the precious Ark of the Covenant from queer people of colour. The shock reemergence of the medieval order on January 30 thus caused a stir; dozens of heavily armoured Whites Templar rode up McTavish, chanting their battle cry: “protect the silent majority.”

Huddled in fear, it transpired that the ‘silent majority’ who had turned out to greet the knights turned were actually an angry gaggle of around ten bros. Manic but inspired cries for help went up as they rushed down the steps of the Shtaneer building, like lost sheep joining the flock.

Sir Robert de Douche, noted leader of the Whites Templar, stepped from his horse and addressed the assembled bros. “Never fear, good carriers of the flame. We will reckon with the queer people of colour, who coveteth not your excellent presence.”

“Too long have righteous brethren wallowed in fear of the QTPOC. Too often have brethren been cast aside. Resist, brethren, lest you be banished from all of Rad Sex Week merriment.”

“The fuck bro? Wanna speak English or something?” demanded N’sercumsdance. “You’re in Quebec! This is an English-speaking country!”

Weekly journalists witnessed members of the resistance group as they became increasingly agitated, torn between their hatred for exclusion in general, and their love for exclusion of immigrants. The logical impossibility of the competing positions was such that it created a rift in the fabric of space-time in front of the Shtaneer building. The Whites Templar and the reverse racism resistance group were sucked in.

“Wow. Much divide by zero,” commented Sanscomic after witnessing the event.


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