Compendium | Weekly to undergo drastic change

Whispers of the Dark One tell the truth

Following significant research on journalism ethics, criticism by avid and loyal readers, inspiration from the university, and the direct influence of the Dark One, The McGall Weekly has finally decided to reform its journalism techniques.

“We take criticism very seriously,” said one Weekly editor who wished to remain anonymous. “And we hear these criticisms every day. Usually in the form of really loud screaming, but sometimes I do hear voices, whispering to me in my nightmares.”

In weirdly scribbled pamphlets distributed all across campus, The Weekly declared that it would move all of its content online.

“It has come to our attention that we are not using our website properly. Following the examples of such great websites as answers.com, we have come up with a revolutionary idea that will surely drive you insane! (To read our articles that is),” says the pamphlet.

Each paragraph of each article will have its own individual webpage, complete with thousands of irrelevant pictures, and deviously misplaced links to guarantee maximum ad revenue. Furthermore, the articles will be more heavily edited for clarity, and each sentence will have at least nine buzzwords.

An editor of the Totally-One-Hundred-Percent-Objective Opinions section argued that the decision to make The Weekly into a profit-maximizing, viewer-exploiting, and socially-oblivious publication was heavily inspired by the style of “the glorious admin of McGall.”

“Sure, we could follow our own Declaration of Prinzips, but as a publication whose main audience is the students of McGall, it is our duty to please the majority and flow with the mainstream. Surely, that is also what the Dark One wants,” the editor said in an interview with The Weekly.

Speaking to The Weekly, Howard Lovecraft, a U3 student double-majoring in Interdimensional Development Studies and Eldritch Sciences, said, “This was to be expected. Theosophists have guessed at the awesome grandeur of the cosmic cycle wherein our world and [the] human race form transient incidents.”

“Given that, why declare that objectivity is dead? Objectivity is transient, objectivity is truth; because objectivity is science! And science is the word of the Dark One! Research, produce, consume, conform!” Lovecraft declared to a lunatically gleeful crowd that gathered as he answered The Weekly’s questions.

The Weekly was also able to obtain some inside information on the content that will appear in the future issues of The Weekly. Some titles include, “What a beautiful post-race paradise we live in,” “What privilege? Let’s talk about my GPA,” “Conservatives were actually right,” “How military investments saved me and my multimillion dollar corporation,” and “32 cat gifs proving environmental degradation is totally a lie.”

Sending a lengthy letter mostly consisting of congratulatory adjectives and affectionate adverbs, and written on what seems to be processed human skin, Principal Suzie Forte declared how delighted she was that The Weekly decided to follow the path of objective journalism and The-Dark-One-Who-Sleeps.

“The closer you swim to the mainstream, the better you will see the truth! What a brilliantly wonderful decision that The Weekly has made! I would like to cordially invite you all to my domain where free soup and breadsticks will be served. Glory to the Dark One,” Forte wrote in the letter.

Other editors for The Weekly were unable to comment. However, from behind the closed door of Shtanier B-24, where the Weekly is located, raspy, gurgling voices chanting the words, “Cthulhu fhtagn” could be heard.


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