In recent weeks, it has come to our attention that academic criticisms of the work of Dr. Sigmoond Frood are still prevalent in many educational institutions, like your fair McGall, and you know something? We’re sick and tired of it.
We are well aware that there have been criticisms of our Beloved Father Frood’s oeuvre for almost as long as his work has been available to the psychiatric establishment and the wider world. We allow this. Hell, we created some of it in the beginning, for the sake of plausibility. But these days, it seems like fewer and fewer of your intellectual types are acknowledging Frood’s work as valid in the realms of psychology and even literary analysis. It is, frankly, hurtful.
Look, we know that it seems a little far-fetched to you, but where’s the harm in sticking to a grand tradition of wrongheadedness? Besides, who’s to say that everything isn’t about sex? Come on, everyone thinks about sex all the time, right? Isn’t that what humans do? I mean, Grady’s niece tried to tell him about something called “asexuality,” but we don’t really buy it. Seems unnatural. Kinda alien, you know? And we don’t trust aliens. The basic tenets of Frood’s philosophy still reflect and interpret key aspects of our society as well as the human condition: everyone wants to fuck their mom, penises are inherently male and also everyone wants one, something about the subconscious and dreams (or was that Jung? Whatever, not important). The tenets are durable and useful. Why fix what ain’t broke?
Our experts report that if an object is longer than it is wide, it does, in fact, represent a penis. There is no use arguing with this assertion. To do so would only be indicative of an unspoken desire to have sex with your childhood pet or some shit like that.
Can we get real for a second, kids? Can we rap with you? Can we turn our ball caps to the back and straddle a chair at the front of this funky-fresh classroom in which we’re currently imagining ourselves, like a hip new teacher laying down some knowledge for his ignorant-but-adorable charges? We don’t really buy this stuff either. Not all of it, anyway. But what’s the alternative? The obliteration of cissexism? Decolonization of non-Western gender identities?
It’s just that these days, it seems like things are just changing way too fast. We did manage to get NASA off of all fast-tracked space travel nonsense, and we made a mockery of terraforming and casual interplanetary travel by putting it in the mouths of American Republicans during the last election, but is it enough?
If we can just manage to keep destructive Western society focused on cis men (real men, as we like to call them) and their penises for a few more decades, we may be able to ensure stymied development for the entire planet! We do this to ensure that humanity never reaches the exalted stage of gender enlightenment required for entry into the Intergalactic Society for Peaceful Interplanetary Interface. Because seriously? Fuck aliens.
So, come on, guys. What do you really care about? The safety of the human race? Or extraterrestrials and a nuanced understanding of the social construct that is gender?
The Society for the Perpetuation of LEPIS NEUT