October 27, 2014

Compendium! | September 2, 2014
Treatment for cishet bullshit found!
A McGill bro recants

Have you ever been hanging with your bro and then one of you does something super chill? What’s your first reaction? If you answered ‘fist bump,’ then I’m here to tell you that you’re one of the main vehicles of oppression and instruments of patriarchy on campus. The clenched fist, a symbol of aggression, is, in the moment when it bumps with another fist, nothing other than the apotheosis of male dominance in society. Fist bumping is a giant clusterfuck of problematic practices. As an expression of male solidarity, the bro-y fist bump is reminiscent of Men’s Right Activist (MRA) scumbags and further serves to reinforce the patriarchy. Eyewitness accounts say they enjoy fist bumping while dancing around the fire at book-burnings. No one wants to be like them.

If you are absolutely disgusted by your previous way of showing camaraderie, I am here to help (you’re welcome). Allow me to introduce you to Friendship Fists. They are performed as follows: initially maneuver as if going for a fist bump, but instead, lovingly hold your friend’s hand. The resulting feeling may remind you of the moment when you see your favourite tree blooming after a long, hard winter.

Friendships Fists, or FFs, promote understanding and serve to take away the space your privileged ass is taking up. One former fist-bumper described the switch to FFs as “life-changing,” comparable to “the first time [they] did a keg stand with no help from [their] bros.”

“I never realized how much space my white male privilege was taking up; now when I wake up in my beautiful apartment and walk to my full fridge, I feel like I have a lot less cis-white-male guilt after starting to use FFs,” said one McGill bro who wished to remain anonymous but wanted to let us know that he is super chill with FFs.

You can thank me later for turning your pathetic, oppressive handshake into the best thing ever. If, having been hereby enlightened, you still elect to participate in fist bumping, be prepared to be labeled as an ignorant jerk. Your choice, bro.

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