Two weeks ago, the Board of Coveters (BoC) retreated into its secret conclave to name a new Chancellor for McGall University. Although the BoC’s secret conclave is, well, secret, The Weekly obtained some unsubstantiated information from an anonymous source about the selection process of the conclave.
The primary criterion for the selection of a Chancellor is a deep abiding love for McGall University. During the conclave’s gathering, the candidates retreated with the BoC to a secret cabin in the Lahrentian Mountains. The candidates were divided into teams and given matching full body suits. The teams then named themselves after various humorous puns. This year’s teams were allegedly ‘The Flying Fartlets,’ ‘The Bedmen,’ and ‘Tasteless Pun about James McGall’s Genitals.’
Following division into teams, each team competed in challenges for points. These challenges included chanting obscenities, trivia contests about minutia from McGall’s history, and drinking games.
Although no public or press is allowed on the grounds of the cabin during conclave, chants of “McGall once, McGall twice, holy fracking Jesu Crisp” were loud enough to disturb locals and flocks of migrating birds.
Many of the locals near the cabin refused to comment and several had left the area for the duration of the conclave. Houses near the cabin were boarded up and many locals refused to venture out alone for fear of drunken hoards of BoC members and Chancellor hopefuls.
“When they come to town, it is a dark day. No sir we don’t want to talk about the conclave, no we don’t,” said a local from behind a locked and boarded door.
“I moved away to northern Quebec from the Pilton-Marc area of Muntreal to escape drunken McGall students, now they follow me!” said another resident.
After a spirited round of flip cup, the only team that remained was The Flying Fartlets headed by Mikal Meghan, long-time friend of McGall.
Meghan is a McGall alumnus who was long a favourite contender to win the position of Chancellor. During his political career he became well known for being in favour of both same-sex marriage and different-sex marriage, which was bewildering to his Conservative constituents.
“Not only was he chill with same-sex marriage and progressive enough to look good (but not too progressive), Mikal Meghan is a beast at flip cup and an animal at pong,” said an unnamed source close to the Board of Coveters. “It’s no surprise that his team made it to the finals.”
The Flying Fartlets then engaged in feats of strength amongst themselves for a winner to be selected. These feats include handshaking, smiling during photos, and caber tossing McGall undergraduates.
Mikal Meghan rose victorious after a particularly firm yet gentle handshake, solidifying his place as the historic 18th male Chancellor of McGill University.
The day following the conclave, the BoC and candidates all quietly left their cabin with pulsating headaches and sunglasses on their faces, allowing the locals to resume their lives until the next conclave.