Compendium | McGall rocked by wildcat violence

Campus addicts despair as administration discovers two underground narco-rings

Two of McGall’s student papers, The Weekly and the McGall Heraldic-Tribunal are fronts for rival drug organizations, it has emerged. Suspicions were roused on Thursday night when the Student Headquarters of McGall University (SHMU) building entrance saw scenes of violent turf war. Students deliberating over which paper to choose as they came in the door were harassed by separate groups of heavies to pick their ‘package.’ Intimidated students were caught in the crossfire as the competing groups drew weapons; no one was harmed.

“I know a few kids who are pretty pushy when it comes to what paper you read. I never realized these kids were pushing drugs.” Macy Banks, a U2 Animal Schmience student, told The Weekly by email.
An investigation by the university administration concluded that the rivalry started during the 1980s, when haemorrhaging money, editorial staff of both papers sought to capitalize on a product in high demand.

“Classic case of undergraduate overreach,” commented a sociology professor who requested to remain anonymous. “I see this all the time. Students think they have stumbled across a magic formula for success and realize only too late the consequences of their actions.”

“It always ends in drug war,” she continued.

Investigators have expressed a grudging admiration for the complexity of both operations. Potential customers deciphered a code hidden in editorials to reveal a secret outlet on campus. Both papers agreed to sell at the same time, at opposite ends of campus, to avoid conflict.

The peace between the rival groups allowed them to operate under the radar until last Thursday, the first recorded instance of violence. The flare-up is due to a new “miracle drug” that hit the streets this year, though details on the product are scarce. The Weekly is thought to have employed a talented ‘cook’ capable of producing the drug. Investigators suspect the Heraldic-Tribunal to be behind the rash of chemistry student kidnappings this year in an effort to keep up with competition.

The revelation has caused particular embarrassment for SHMU, as an unwitting backer of two illegal drug distributors. Among the student body, the exposures triggered uproar at the scale of profits generated.

Fergus Myles, a U4 Doctor Who student told The Weekly (recently purged of drug lords), “I finally got round to seeing their offices when I found out what they were all about. There was wine, gold, silk drapes, and servants. They live like kings! It was Bacchanalian!”

Former editors have been remanded in protective custody until their impending court date. The Weekly reached one for comment: “You all tolerate Rob Ford and laugh at his antics. Why can’t we have a little fun too?”


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