The Students’ Headquarters of McGall University (SHMU) held its semesterly General Assembly (GA) last week. This GA, like all before it, fell on the same day as “some midterms I totally have to study all afternoon for,” according to many campus activists who voiced their entirely genuine intention to attend, if not for all the work they had to do. “Sorry, I would totally go,” several said, “because it’s important for students to engage in campus politics, but… you know…”
As a result of the unfortunate timing, this GA was unable to meet its measly quorum and was unable to approve nominations for representatives to the Board of Delegators (BoD). The BoD normally has responsibilities such as brief contemplation of legal matters related to SHMU, shrugging nonchalantly as they evaluate whether they would rather go have lunch at Shmert’s Bar, and voting to table items on their agenda until later meetings.
The lack of a BoD may drastically affect the operations of SHMU this semester. As SHMU President Karp Larping admitted at the GA, “We have a lot of things that need tabling and delegation to sub-committees and sub-sub-committees. I’m not sure how well we’re going to get by.”
“There’s already something of a backlog of things to be passed on to slightly more competent working groups, et cetera,” Larping continued. “We have a lot of work ahead of us.”
The two motions proposed were both moved by SHMU Executive Council members, the first being a “Motion to ostensibly, but not practically or actively, oppose any obviously fascist legislations,” and the second being a “Motion to amend SHMU Council membership policy.”
Motion to oppose legislation that is definitely fascist
Discussion of the first motion was largely straightforward, though there was some pointed critique from the Farts Representative to SHMU, Charles Schmance, regarding the use of “too many adverbs” in the motion and its many long-winded clauses. A handful of the sparse SHMU members in attendance delivered brief speeches about the “definite badness” of fascism, and were met with serious nods of agreement.
“I know at least two people who would be directly affected by fascism enacted by law,” said Anne Gee, U3 Brain Thinky Problems student. “We need to show our fellow SHMU members that we stand alongside them in a fundamental distaste for fascism. We need to do this with words and actions. Well, maybe not actions. But we definitely need to say it.”
Gee then looked around at the attendees over the top of her glasses, as though daring anyone to challenge her. None did so. A collective pat on the back was self-administered to all attendees for their show of ideological bravery.
New SHMU Council membership policy
The second motion, however, was met with more contention and confusion, as it proposed a fundamental change to the selection process of SHMU Council members. The proposed policy was drafted by “some people who are definitely familiar with laws,” according to Larping.
However, it came to light on the day of the GA that certain clauses of the motion could be interpreted in such a way that the current SHMU Executive would be immediately relieved of their duties, namely the clause that reads, “Resolved, if this motion is ratified at the General Assembly, all current SHMU Council Executive members will be replaced with various large, slow-moving mammals, effective immediately.”
Larping spoke carefully at the GA when recommending an amendment. “I think it was largely just a technical oversight on our part. [...] We realized after we submitted the motion that the clause could be misinterpreted somewhat. It’s easy to understand, as it’s a little vague.” Larping would not comment on why it was included in the motion moved by the executives themselves in the first place.
The motion was amended to propose that the executives would only be replaced by large mammals in case of impeachment by SHMU members. The modified motion was passed by roughly 85 per cent of attendees.
Larping expressed relief on behalf of all the SHMU executives. “I’m glad SHMU members seem to understand it was just an honest mistake.”
“Damn,” one attendee remarked, as the GA wrapped up and leftover bagels were descended upon like a flock of vultures to fresh carrion. “I really feel like SHMU could be going places if a couple pandas were running the show.”