Compendium | Rankings drop, portal to hell appears on lower field

Demons making “snide comments” about McGall’s global standing

McGall University campus, already reeling from the news that they had dropped three spots in the 2013 QS Totally Arbitrary University Rankings, was dealt another blow when a gigantic, almost-volcanic pit was discovered on Lower Field in front of the Sadpath Museum of Old Stuff in the Ground. An exploratory party of all 20 post-graduate geology students was sent out; two returned and told McGall Weekly reporters that it was a “portal to hell, smoking and smelling of sulfur, ringed with the blood of children.”

Demons are reportedly flying out of said pit, terrorizing large lecture-style classes, making snide comments about the university’s lack of school spirit, and stealing research opportunities and flying them to higher ranked universities. The demons have also been accused of disrupting job interviews of recent McGall grads by loudly discussing the university’s drop in quality, and, most notably, harvesting human souls from students and using them to empower Satan in his quest to wage war against God and retake Heaven.

Professors in McGall’s Department of Religious Item Analysis were quick to point out that this development was not unexpected, due to the aforementioned drop in the Arbitrary Rankings. L.N. Ate Ken, Associate Professor in the department, released a public statement after the rankings slip that, “The Bible has foretold that once the great school in the North falls behind the one slightly further South, and in a large urban area, the school of the North would lose their smug sense of superiority over the school from the South and be plagued by Satan himself.” Ate Ken went on to explain that “[researchers] originally thought this was something about the Holy Land, or something, but it’s pretty clear now that Hell on Earth has come to McGall campus due to our drop in rankings. May God have mercy on our souls.”

Satan himself later rose out of the pit, and held court with McGall Weekly reporter Dan A. Ray. “Listen, there’s a real estate phrase that’s really key here: location, location, location,” Satan said. “When you get a resodded field at Canada’s second best university, you just can’t pass that kind of thing up.”

Satan further went on to explain the attractiveness of McGall campus in comparison to its main competitors, the University of T-Dot and the University of Brattish Chrysanthemums: “Well, [the other campuses] were a little cramped. Not to mention their student to faculty ratios were actually getting lower, and, well, low student to faculty ratios are like upside down crosses to us: we stay away. Their rankings are increasing too, while McGall has this beautiful field and a lowering rank. McGall made the key decision to cut smaller classes in the Arts faculty, which shot that student-faculty ratio way up. So, when I talked over the decision with [key advocate] Margaret [Wente], it was clear where we had to go.”

After the interview, Ray briefly mentioned that Satan was “pretty chill,” despite the destruction he and his kin are continuing to wreak upon campus.

Student reaction has been unilaterally negative. “With this drop in the rankings, what will employers see my degree as? Worthless?” read one meacocks.com piece. Later in the piece, the author continued: “Oh yeah, I mean, I guess my soul is in danger of being feasted upon by demons, but, wait: what does this mean for my future?”


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