Compendium | Enormous tomato cake “the best we came up with”

Heads scratched for three days over tomato influx

McGall is breathing a sigh of relief after the passing of what has been straight-facedly deemed the #tomatotornado. A bountiful year for the McDoodle Campus tomato harvest left farm staff reeling as truckful after truckful was harvested from the Saint Andrew de Baudelaire fields. “It’s just a lot to take in at once,” said Dennis (‘Dee’) Lish, spokesperson for the Department of Edibles that oversaw this season’s Tomato Growth Operations. “Please don’t call it a grow-op,” Lish noted.

The grow-op’s success is due in part to unexpectedly good weather this summer, said Lish. “But let’s not forget the ridiculous number of harvest goddesses that started ‘cropping up,’ if you know what I mean?”

While The Weekly is not in a position to confirm that it knows what he means, the goddesses’ influence is undeniable. Even now, they linger at the McDoodle Campus farmland with ominous smiles, holding scythes at their sides, and whispering “we must consume / the fruit speaks / listen,” to passers-by. Their presence has made the informational farm tours “kinda awkward,” according to Lem Ma, a student in the Department of Edibles and a volunteer tour guide.

Senior administrators as well as staff from the Department of Edibles spent three days behind closed doors hashing out an emergency plan. “Dark days,” Lish said, shaking his head. “You think you’d be happy to have too many tomatoes, but then, man… You really have to challenge what you think you know, you know?”

On the proposed list of ideas were: “giant salsa,” “giant gazpacho,” “giant pizza,” “put it in cans,” “a free tomato sandwich for everybody,” and “have the froshies run around, and you can throw tomatoes at them from the buildings, like in Spain??”

“We finally settled on donations, and a short list of giant tomato dishes. The cake was just, like, a no-brainer, right? Everybody eats cake.” When reminded of the presence of vegan and gluten-intolerant students and staff, Lish paused momentarily. “Ahhh, shit.”

The cake was baked off-site, then assembled and frosted on the McGall lower field. The first cut was made by the outgoing Deputy Provost of Student Purchases and Receipts (DPSPR) Mortono J. Fendelson, despite confusion regarding the fact that he still holds the aforementioned title. “He doesn’t even go here,” muttered Anne Gee, a U3 Brain Thinky Problems student, amid the cacophony of photos being snapped.

Tensions briefly spiked when the cake was first revealed to the DPSPR, and a “dark glint” reportedly caught Fendelson’s eye. Unidentified security agents at Fendelson’s sides were seen gripping his arms to restrain him from re-enacting an episode of fruit-related fanaticism that cast a grim shadow over last year’s world-record fruit salad.

Fendelson was quoted as saying, “the fruit speaks…” This was hissed, barely perceptible to the human ear, yet it pierced the murmur of the crowd and echoed in the deepest recesses of one’s mind.

The moment passed without further incident. The question of whether Fendelson was, or is, currently involved with the goddesses at McDoodle Campus has gone unaddressed in McGall MROs and press releases to date.

As for the cake itself, the flavour and consistency was “alright,” according to sources who wished to remain anonymous. “Is it supposed to taste like carrot cake?” When contacted, McGall administrators declined to comment on the concerns raised.


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