November 17, 2014

Compendium! | January 31, 2013
Administration disappointed by reaction to latest world record attempt
Claim world’s biggest waterslide “thoroughly misunderstood”
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Internal documents leaked to the Twice-A-Weekly have revealed disappointment within McGall’s administration over their recent world record attempt. In a memo from VP (Purchases and Receipts) Mortono Joaquin Fendelson  to Principal Heatha Mama-Boom, Fendelson says that “after the Rousing Success (TM) of our World Record Fruit Salad (which united McGall’s campus under a banner of Friendship and Love), students’ reactions to the attempt at ‘World’s Largest Water Slide’ were unexpectedly negative. They thought it was merely a flood.”

Other documents found by The Twice-a-Weekly lay out the administration’s plans. The official plan was to spring a leak in the McTavish Reservoir, leading to a massive water slide down McTavish. At that point, students, professors, and administrators alike would rush into the stream and joyously ride to the bottom. The administration also planned to hand out McGall-branded inner tubes, but the delivery truck was not able to arrive in time.

In an email to VP (Counting and Adding Up) Princes Di Anna, Mama-Boom steams over the lack of enthusiasm. “We had a student who went in to show everyone how fun it would be! We had told her about it before, and she had volunteered! And yet, somehow, people were somehow dissuaded to join in. It might have been the chunks of debris that were also going down the slide.”

“God damn,” she added, “I can’t wait to get out of this soul-sucking, no-fun-allowed place.”

These emails and memos are dated to approximately hours after the flood had begun. When reached for contact by The Twice-a-Weekly, McGall PR Mascot Sweetie Boy-Sweet responded sixty hours later with a full explanation. “Well, the world record attempt was thoroughly misunderstood. We even had a nice lady from the Guinness Book of World Records there to take it in. She claimed not to see enough participation to truly call it a waterslide.”

Boy-Sweet’s email continues: “We didn’t really expect it to flood the buildings like it did, though. But we didn’t want to waste this primo opp[ortunity]. The city kept calling us and telling us that they could shut off the water, but we kept telling them to wait. Heatha had this great idea.”

Boy-Sweet’s email then describes what he calls “the best night of [his] life.” According to Boy-Sweet, Mama-Boom Fendelson, Di Anna, and Manfredo, along with key members of the BoG, snuck over to McTavish around 3 a.m., dressed in swimsuits and toting their own, personalized inner tubes. (“Mine is so awesome,” Boy-Sweet added. “And it only cost an extra $1,000 (or, 1 Arts class) to pay for it!”). At first, Boy-Sweet alleges that he was against the plan. “I was so worried we would get caught. I said, ‘Heatha, come on, do we have to??? We could get in so much trouble!’ To which she replied, ‘Joaquin and I will not have our fun spoiled by you, VP of being a wet blanket.’ So I went with them.”

At this time, the water was (somehow) still flowing. “Heatha and Joaquin took their tubes and just dove in! And then, whooosh! They went down the street! At first I was scared, but then Manfredo gave me a shove and then, whooooosh! There I was going! It was so much fun. I just looked at Heatha and gave her this huge smile.”

Boy-Sweet then goes on to describe, in detail, how the administration members took approximately twenty more rides. “Then,” he claims, “we had a great idea. Another water slide. So we broke one [pipe] above Wong and started going down that!”

By 6 a.m., Boy-Sweet claimed, the administrators were “very tired.” They were so tired that they decided to “pretend that James was flooded, so we could take the day off. With pay, of course.”

Twice-A-Weekly reporter Cherry Cola was thoroughly perplexed by the news and asked Boy-Sweet if the high costs of the administration’s waterslide was worth it. 67 hours later, Boy-Sweet responded with a short note.

“You know, as long as the administration is having fun, and top-level administrators from around the country know we are having fun, and we are drawing them in that way, then no expense is too much. Best wishes, Sweetie.”

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