After over an hour of intense and sometimes heated debate, SSMU Council has decided not to do anything. While some councillors made impassioned yet reasoned arguments for doing something, the majority of the council – backed by their supporters in the student union’s executive – voted to do not a fucking thing.
“We could do something, and many students want us to do something, but I believe that there may be students who don’t want us to do anything. Therefore, I think we really shouldn’t do anything,” said Basketweaving faculty representative Idiot Douchebag.
“This is why my constituents elected me. I don’t do anything, and I never intend to. We need to adopt a reasoned approach to doing things,” Douchebag added.
Representatives of campus groups, who say they very much need their student union to do things, were on hand to make a last minute plea for something, anything.
“Please. Please, we need you to do something, or else our club will cease to exist,” said a representative from McGill’s 25-year-old Morse Code and Telegraph Enthusiasts Society.
“If you do something, it will help us to convince the student body that what we Telegraph Enthusiasts do is worthwhile, that the fucking $7-million budget that we pay to the SSMU every year is for more than bullshit overpriced espressos and to allow student politicians the joy of smelling their own farts,” said the Enthusiasts’ representative, who spoke on condition of anonymity because of the perverse cynical shame associated with the charade that is the SSMU Council.
After listening to the representative’s plea, councillors responded with a resounding “meh,” and provided to do nothing.
SSMU executives picked their noses as they looked on.
“I know from the people I’ve spoken to in my constituency […] it feels as though it alienates people who don’t necessarily have the same opinion,” said Apathetic Councillor*, from the Sophistry faculty.
“Human beings, in encountering external stimuli, respond in different ways. It is for this undeniable, eternal, and incontrovertible truth that we councillors should vote today to take no actions whatsoever,” said Apathetic Councillor*.
SSMU Council is continuing in a long tradition of never doing fucking anything, even when they could have, even when it would have helped students.
Observers were left staggered by the realization that SSMU executives – whether they advocate for doing things, or advocate doing nothing – are paid tens of thousands of dollars a year in student fees.
*A previous version of this article used the term “Pointless Fuckface.” The Daily apologizes for using a direct quotation and attaching it to an insulting name.