Compendium | Obama will not ask for an extension

President says he will get his work done on time

Barack Obama, the newly re-elected President of the United Conglomerate of Supermarkets, has said he will not ask for an extension.

The President said the time for fake doctor’s notes and half-assed excuses was over, and that he will try his best to be more disciplined about his working habits.

Obama has long been criticized for failing to get things done, but some observers have noted an increased reluctance to do his Presidential homework in recent months.

Mattias Romnuzzle, a keen wealth-embezzler and election enthusiast, said that he had seen the President flying around the country, to seemingly the middle of nowhere, with a regularity alarming “for someone who has lots of stuff to do.”

“I’ve been observing Obama for a few years now,” Romnuzzle told The Twice-a-Weekly from the yacht he hand-built out of the souls of laid-off blue-collar workers. “He’s never been great about deadlines, though he usually managed to turn something in eventually. But recently… well, he just doesn’t seem to care anymore. He’s never at his desk, he’s never at home, he hasn’t done groceries in months. I’m worried. I’m not sure what’s got into him.”

Obama is known to have a very long to-do list, and Romnuzzle is worried that the President’s lackadaisical attitude to finishing stuff means he won’t get it all done by the deadline.

“What with the ‘fiscal cliff’ coming up, all those things to say to the Repoopooblicans in Congress, and a dirty-laundry pile as full up as Zachariah Chewberg is of himself, I’m frankly surprised that he’s been jetting off to places like Ohio recently,” said Romnuzzle as he drank the blood of three proletarians. “Where even is Ohio?”

Economists and other small rodents concur with Romnuzzle that the President doesn’t have a small amount of things to do.

“Time is tight: Bush-era tax cuts are due to expire at the end of 2012, and automatic, mandatory, across-the-board, cuts to all government spending are also in the pipeline unless Obama gets his work done on time,” said John Boner, federal town-crier. “He is really leaving stuff to the last minute.”

Despite all this, the President is adamant that he will not ask for an extension at the end of his term.

“I really don’t think I need more time…I’ll get my finger out, I swear to God,” Obama told The Twice-a-Weekly. “Look, I always come good in the end. I used to ask for extensions all the time, but I’m really trying to be more responsible about my work. I’ll knuckle down. No more jets. No more drone… Look, no more jets, I promise.”


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