September 15, 2014

Compendium! | November 19, 2012
Hipsters likely to be full of shit
Study recommends never talking to one
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The Institute for Studies (IfS) has found that hipsters are likely to be full of shit. The results confirm most people’s long-held opinions about hipsters, who are known by the collective noun “septic tank,” as in the well-known Montreal phrase, “oh, look at that septic tank of hipsters dancing in the Mile End.”

The IfS study looked at hipster behavioural patterns over a three-year period in order to test the hypothesis, “should you ever talk to a hipster?” While the results emphatically recommend that you never talk to a hipster, they also suggest that hipsters are likely to be full of shit almost all of the time.

Joan McRational, director of the IfS and self-proclaimed Coldplay fan, told The Twice-a-Weekly that the IfS wanted to build on earlier work studying anarchist students and French philosophers.

“Previous studies have confirmed the link between wearing scarves indoors and being a pretentious asshole, and we know from work done in the early 2000s in Brooklyn that all hipsters are pretentious assholes, so it was only a small jump from there to confirming that hipsters are really always full of shit.”

As part of the study, IfS fellows had to follow several septic tanks of hipsters around every minute of the day for the three-year duration of the study. The hipsters were monitored at all times, and all bowel movements were to be tallied on the back of a first edition copy of Leonard Cohen’s Beautiful Losers. Fortunately for Cohen collectors, no tally was ever recorded, because, as The Twice-a-Weekly can now reveal, hipsters never take a dump.

“We didn’t believe it at first,” said McRational. “Literally every other species of mammal on this planet shits. Sure, species vary in their dumping patterns, you have you frequent crappers and your more docile, part-time ejectors, but even the most reluctant chihuahua eventually realizes that it too must shit. And then it shits. So to say we were shocked is a bit of an understatement.”

In fact, the results so shocked researchers that they nearly called off the study completely, before an IfS intern, Samuel Numbercruncher, accidentally talked to a hipster.

“It was remarkable,” Num-bercruncher told The Twice-a-Weekly. “Here was a living animal that was quite definitely full of shit. As he talked about his newfound interest in the links between post-crunk hip hop and 19th century French anarchism, I could literally see the shit filling up inside him. I thought he had to shit soon, for a moment I thought he’d drop trou’ right there and just splurt excrement all out onto the sidewalk, but he didn’t. He seemed to be feeding off his own faeces.”

Since the revelation, several septic tanks of hipsters have been seen squatting low over the St. Lawrence river trying to coax fecal matter from their frozen bum-holes.

“We’ve been here, squeezing them muscles on full pressure, for four days,” hipster Grimius Boucher said. “I think we may have to give it up soon. We keep on pushin’ but that shit ain’t comin’. I miss loft-parties and synths, too. It seems we may just have to live with being full of shit.”

Euan EK is the lovechild of the Anarchist Dean and Taylor Swift. He celebrated the third anniversary of his canonization yesterday.

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