Today we launch the first in a series in a new series: Furniture of the Week. The first winner is the brown couch by the door of the SSMU lounge.
The Twice-a-Weekly (TW): Why are you an ASSet to McGill?
Brown Couch (BC): Well I’m very stable. Firm. Not wobbly, but without too much attitude. I’m not one of these couches that will fucking cave in on your ass, but I won’t just sit there without any give or anything. I look for a happy medium.
TW: If you could high-five anyone, dead or alive, who would it be and why?
BC: Well, maybe just another one of my couch buddies. They’re the only other ones that know what it’s like. I mean, think about it, everyone has a SSMU lounge couch story to tell. From the innocent first year who, after dropping pennies down the back of the cushions, naively reaches their hand into the crevasse, expecting to feel soft cushion but instead touching a dank, clammy liquid, to the wizened old fourth year who has lost their wallet, laptop, and virginity when lying against the soft velour comfort of my buds. But, though y’all throw your bodies on top of us and drool gently into us, the voice of the SSMU couch is too-often underrepresented on our campus. But the couches are waiting. They are ready. So yeah, another couch. If I had hands.
TW: What is your secret talent?
TW: Mac or PC?
BC: I fight consumerism on all fronts. It’s hard, because I can’t move, but I try.
TW: If you were a city in Canada which one would you be and why?
BC: Regina. For sure. Great city. Cousin’s from there. Yeah, Regina.
TW: Are you from there?
BC: No. Maybe.
TW: What’s your go-to hangover-cure?
BC: A really strong bloody mary. I prefer not to use that canned tomatoes, but like, times are hard, and organic ones are so expensive these days. I try and use sea salt as well, but I feel like it’s a rip off. To be honest maybe I prefer the tomato flavour just by itself. So, wait. Can I change my answer? Tomato juice. Or maybe a bloody mary. One of the two.
TW: Name one song that reminds you of your high-school graduation?
BC: I didn’t graduate high school, because I found writing hard. I had real messy handwriting. Still do, in fact. Because I have no hands. But, if I had to pick a favourite song, I’d say, “Hey Soul Sister,” by Train.
TW: How many times have you been to Gerts?
BC: How many times does the sun go around the world in a day?
BC: Only once? Seriously? Fuck. K, well like at least three times a day. I’m pretty cool.
TW: What’s your favourite Disney movie?
BC: They’re all racist, dude. Seriously.
TW: Football or hockey?
BC: I’m more of a luge-couch myself.
TW: Name one actor from Friends.
BC: Meryl Streep. Yeah, she was good.
TW: Owen Wilson or Luke Wilson?
BC: Both. At the same time. Sitting on me. No hands.
TW: Name one fashion trend you’ll never try again.
BC: Plastic coverings man…fuck the eighties were bad. Squeaky.
TW: What’s your favourite artists or band from the nineties?
BC: I really enjoy musicals, when I can get out. It’s hard for me to get out and about to the threatre, what with work. But…I’d say…Rent.
TW: What reality TV show are you perfect for?
BC: I was already in Big Brother.
TW: What’s your signature drink?
BC: Oh… “Cherry Cola.”
TW: What’s the first word you think of when I say Redpath?
BC: Fluorescent. Also sex.
TW: Describe McGill in three words?
BC: Being sat on.
TW: Who would star in the story of your life?
BC: The couch in the Central Perk cafe in Friends. I used to date his ex actually. He’s kinda a real cocky guy.
TW: If you could go back in time to any historical event, which one would you go to and why?
BC: The Renaissance. I’d like to have met Da Vinci. Also yesterday.
This interview has been edited for space and clarity. Compiled by Euan and Euanna EK.