Compendium | Asbestos appears on campus

University takes absolutely no responsibility for carcinogen’s appearance

The McGall community was shocked by the early arrival of snow on campus last week, which led hundreds of students to drop everything and frolic, forgetting their midterm stress and its accompanying existential dread.

As it turned out, that snow was asbestos. Upon seeing lower campus covered with what appeared to be a thick white snow, students in the McLennan/Brutalist library complex flooded through all exits, absolutely disregarding well-marked and conscientiously placed construction signs. One construction worker, jackhammering, looked appalled at such flagrant disrespect.

U13 International Destruction Studies major Bradley “the King of Toronto and the McGill Ghetto” Brinks described the pandemonium to The Twice-a-Weekly. “It was fucking sick as hell…I would even say epic…almost as good as Kyoto Thursdays or some shit like that…until, after a few hours, someone realized that this stuff had a texture that was virtually nothing like snow…like, it wasn’t even cold…”

The presence of the carcinogen on campus is being regarded as “somewhat spooky” by Vice Principal (Mysterious Events & Elderberry Harvesting) John “da poltergeist” Mansville. “An internal investigation is absolutely pending. We probably might not really know what may have happened here, if indeed something happened here, for quite some time yet, but you can bet your boots we’ll know kinda-precisely the goings on of last week eventually.”

To others, there was no question as to the origin of the white matter. “This is, unequivocally, Karma, bro” said first year Master of Lululemon Studies student Samantha Jo-Anne as she solemnly held Birthing Foal pose. “McGill’s sacral chakra is WAY off centre.”

Tensions were running especially high at the Faculty of Bad Medicine. “We literally JUST got this fantastic news that one of our most notorious researchers on asbestos actually was not a bad guy at all, like he could not be more chill, and now this…I mean, what the hell? Why is this University always so knee-deep in an extremely carcongenic carcinogen?”

The outrage went all the way to the top. In a confidential exchange, exclusive to The Twice-a-Weekly, Dean of Biohazardous Waste Davis Cry-dleman asked McGill’s Board of Coveters how to deal with the national bad press associated with the presence of asbestos on campus.

“What can we do to get the media off our ass?” queried Cry-dleman.

“Another conference!” shouted the BoC in unison amidst cries of “DENY! DENY! DENY!” from the gallery.

For now, everything is back to normal on campus, and most have forgotten about the incident. Representatives from the most reputable national asbestos organizations have donated millions of dollars for the cleanup efforts, and, according to sources, the already cash-strapped administration could not be happier.

“What they’re doing, it’s just peachy keen” said Principal Heatha Mama-Boom, wistfully looking out of a James Administration window at the asbestos-covered Engineering building, her degree in epidemiology reflected on her double-sealed, environmentally friendly, windows.


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