The James Administration building has requested permission to hold an independence referendum this fall.
In a statement released Sunday, the building said it “was tired of all you people and your feet and your boots and the snow and the mud and the talking always talking inside my head with tiny voices and tiny heads and chatty chatty chat like puny little caffeinated ants and talking always talking about your day and your life and chatty chat talking. I’m done. You fucking over-hyped hairless mammals. I want out.”
The building told The Twice-a-Weekly that it had been considering the move for some time, but that events on campus last year had “been the last straw.”
“Look. I put up with a lot. People walk inside my head. They put Windex on my corneas. They fucking drag dirty boots inside my mouth and along my tongue. And I think I’ve kinda dealt with that well. I’m a pretty reasonable thing. I haven’t asked for much. But last year! Fuck. Fucking week-long parties in my hypothalamus? Pepper spray all up on my face? Those guards standing in my eardrums and tonsils all of the hours of all of the days? Man. Do you people literally not give a shit about anything except your own fucking pathetic attempts at being more than meaningless bipedal apes? Of course I want out!”
Despite the building’s ardent desire to secede from campus, some are questioning whether or not the building is in a fit mental state to “become a country” after an explosive television interview on Saturday night, in which the building appeared to attempt to collapse on its interviewer. The building, however, claims “you would too if you lived my life. And were a building.”
Experts are claiming that the endless renovations on campus are causing buildings to go into shock, and that appears to be the case here.
“You know, I’ve had a word with some of the other buildings, and they don’t seem to have had it nearly as bad,” said James. “Okay, Bronfman’s being a cocky arsehole about the whole thing, but what’s new there? And Arts just goes on fucking sunning itself and checking out the hot eye-candy on its beard. And, yeah, I like Leacock, but it’s still kinda grumpy about the whole face-lift thing, but at the end of the day these buildings have had literally none of the shit I’ve had to put up with. Literally fucking none. You wouldn’t believe the life Thomson House has been having! Soirees every night – you know, like real sophisticated parties with cocktails and shit. And intellectual discussions! And cheap beer literally in his mouth 24/7. And no administrators! No stinky undergrads! Look, I don’t wanna sound bitter, but I just don’t trust any of you anymore. You’ve been huge assholes. Huge. Like, do you not see? Is it not possible to solve your puny little ant problems outside my fucking head? Like, at all! Fuck fuck fuck. Fucking self-righteous little humans. You’re all like, ‘Yeah, I’ll have a party in your head. Yeah, I’ll play the Vengaboys at fucking 1 a.m. in your pre-frontal cortex! Yeah I’ll do that; that’ll be cool. I’ll do what I want with absolutely no respect for anything except my puny insignificant mouse brain!’ Have you all just dropped your trousers and shat on the floor! Oh wait, no, you did that in my cerebellum already! Fuuuuckkk. [Breathes] Okay. Look. I mean…actually, no, fuck it, I’m not apologizing. I’m done. Give me independence. That’s it. That’s it.”
Despite James’ insistence that it “needs the silence of independence,” several important structural problems have yet to be worked out. Mostly the fact that it is plumbed into the ground. Also that it is made of hundreds of bricks cemented together and built on top of a pretty sizeable foundation. No one is quite sure what to do, but voting will be in October.
Euan EK is the resurrection. Like a dead dog that became an alive dog, he is back.