Compendium | The cuddle crisis

Recent developments in the sexual strike from VPs (Sass and Sodomy)

As our sexual strike shimmies into week three, it also enters a whole new season. Some call it fall, but, as we all know, it can more accurately be deemed cuddle season.
It’s the time of year when couples in matching chunky knits cozy up to each other cupping steaming mugs of hot chocolate – not to mention each other’s genitals – typically coming away from such encounters with a white foam, of one kind or another, on the upper lip. The Mile End is crawling with these precious pairings, smugly holding hands and feeding each other freshly baked bagels as they stroll down St. Viateur. You can almost picture these assholes hanging out under their flannel blankets, keeping warm in the most pleasurably fricative of ways.
Obviously this sexually tempting season is trying the tenacity of us strikers. But we will not be seduced into the amalgamation of human warmth, no matter how low the mercury drops. Luckily, we have a few strategies to ensure that our morale stays high even if the temperature doesn’t.

1.Heated body pillows: Obviously the only reason to have another human in your bed is to generate body heat, but they can easily be replaced by this comfy cushion. Getting the chance to silk screen James Franco’s face – or the face of any hottie you fancy – is just an added bonus.

2.Bedside bottle of whiskey + moleskine note book: Being alone gives us the chance to get all “depressive literary” between the sheets. The bottle of whiskey will really help unlock your inner Bukowski.

3. A long, thick… stack of coursepacks: Turn your sexual frustration into academic success. Theses readings should keep you satisfied all night long.

4. A solid set of Friends DVDs: Because lovers come and go, but your friends? They’ll be there for you.

5. Dildo.

Armed with these weapons we single soldiers will be able to fight off even the worst cases of the rainy day blues, without relying on reinforcements. In the end, we’re actually really grateful to cuddle season for testing our willpower and motivation. In the words of our girl Xtina, “thanks for making [us] fighter[s].”


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