Commentary | You are Here: Eliot Spitzer stuffs Bernard’s CV

The recent sex scandal involving New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is a matter of great importance, and should be discussed extensively and at length by commentators in the press due to…

(SPECIAL MESSAGE TO READERS: Yeah, right. The only part of the scandal that upsets me is knowing that someone can look like Eliot Spitzer and still get laid more often than I do. But I have to write about it anyway, so bear with me.)

…the morally egregious nature of the Spitzer’s actions, which are most unbecoming of a governor, and demonstrate a lack of ethical judgement that can only be described as…

(…totally uninteresting. So why am I writing this? Well, my resume describes me as a student journalist, but most journalism internships also ask for “relevant writing samples.” And, unfortunately for me, by “relevant” they usually mean “free of penis jokes.”)

…a blemish on the once not-so-blemished gubernatorial office of New York – a development so troubling that it needs to be discussed in highly relevant commentary pieces written by members of the press, who are doing their duty by asking…

(…so what’s a humour columnist to do? It looks like I’m stuck with a “relevant” topic for today. But I decided to borrow a page from the Dave Barry playbook and put the snarky parts of this column in parentheses – that way I can just edit them out when I submit this as a sample piece.)

…the difficult moral and ethical questions about relevant topics like the Spitzer scandal, a topic which is particularly relevant because of the governor’s actions, which are profoundly repugnant…

(Repugnant? Who am I to call someone else repugnant? The mould in my bathroom sink has been growing for so long that it qualifies as a primitive civilization. I’d do something about it, but cleaning the sink now would be genocide.)

…but also highly relevant, as they emphasize the importance of leadership on the part of those who hold public office in general, and specifically the gubernatorial office of New York formerly held by Eliot Spitzer, who has been at the centre of the media’s attention for several weeks…

(…which is a shame, because so many important things are happening in the world. For example, did you know that today is national bra-fitting day? And that more than 70 per cent of women wear the wrong bra size? Countless newspaper readers will miss out on this important holiday, all because The New York Times can’t get enough of Spitzer. That’s why I get my news from the Sears catalogue.)

…due to the earth-shaking revelation that Spitzer, who once proclaimed his devotion to “the highest ethical principles,” paid to fraternize with persons in their early twenties…

(…which, as far as I can tell, is the same thing Concordia students are doing when they mail their tuition checks. What Spitzer should be embarrassed about is spending $80,000 – fooling around at Concordia is much cheaper.)

…and thus created a scandal which, because of its relevance, is being discussed in commentary pieces like this one – a sample of writing so relevant, it will (hopefully) compensate for my lack of impressive reference letters.

Bernard Rudny would like to wish everyone a happy national bra-fitting day. He may be reached at bernard.rudny@mail.mcgill.ca.


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